Rushing out early morning

I just left Sal at the Central station after we left home together early in the morning at 04.30 - and just made it to the buss in time. My first thought was to just bring him to the buss station, but there was just 1-2 minutes left before the buss came...

So, I followed with him to Central Station to have more Good Bye time together.


While at the Airport

Now he is at the airport going through security, and I am on my way home after walking from the Central station to Slussen, because there is no connection home until 05.15. Long slow walk. Walking with Sal on the phone (long time no see *LOL*)


Experience of presence

When you feel your Love's immediate presence is still lingering time afterwards. It is still strong, almost as if a part of him is here. It's like a body adds it's own memory to the whole experience of presence. Almost as if he still stands next to me, but only almost.


Scruffy handsome face

I could look hours into that guys scruffy and incredible handsome face... And frankly, that's what I often do. For example when he drives the car in Catania, to the store, or airport, or on other errands.

All these details I so love deeply about him

Like a song in my heart. And yet - there is always a part of his presence with me in daily life, when we are separated by 2400 km. Even in that regard, there is a constant presence with me, as there is for him in Sicily, when i am in Stockholm.

And it has always been like this. Already after summer 2015 after we dated.



Salt and Pepper

I love his salt and pepper beard stubbles, the strong black eye brows, the cute silver hair with patches of darker streaks, his scruffy square hands which are cut in such a masculine way, the big nose.... I could make the list very long over all the features I so love.

His jaw can sometimes stand out a little bit - in a subtle way - but when it takes place - boy that is one powerful look. Really striking handsome expression (He still doesn't fully know how and when he does that. When he tries to imitate it, then it get's over the top, and isn't exactly the same *snigger*)

The subtle yet striking gesture of his jaw

gives him a slight animal streak, that of a panther comes to my mind. One that is about to make love to you !

And while the animal aspect is very hot - it is the combination with the heart, that gives it true power. "Drone" Men, are mainly thinking it's the animal aspect alone, that does the trick. The mechanical aspect of appearances... but the true magic, comes from the combo of animal and heart together !

A "drone" by the way (e.g. the mechanical, repetitive and animal brain male, doesn't understand this, but a sensitive Man one does)



What's a drone ?

If you wonder what I mean by "drone" - then I call people for "drones" who are always sort of mechanical in their way of being. Predictable. Repetitive. Kind of non-reflecting in spirit. Like a person without spirit, relying on the darwin principles. Also men in dark suits representing companies, are typical "drone" people. And they sell you out to the devil if they find a purpose or gain in it.


Sal’s masculinity

is also something extreme attractive. He somehow combines the animal aspects with gentleness, respect - but at the same time without diminishing the animal attraction and gestures. He always has his humanity in tact. Compare that with people who have sex at clubs. They often lost their humanity in a weird, often cold, unsocial way. The do not even understand it. Not even remotely.


And yet there are people who can have anonymous sex

- without loosing respect, warmth or sexual attraction for that matter. You don't have to be an asshole when you have anonymous sex with others ! And then again, many have lost their human-social aspect in the matter. Which makes gay sex utterly awkward these days.

Don't get me wrong, you don't need to communicate while having sex or do the puppy-love thing. But don't need to be an asshole either, who isn't even making eye contact minutes after you had sex together. Reminds me of eating McDonalds shit food, you know. You get a weird bad taste afterwards, even if the sex was good - the people's behavior afterwards is nothing to write home about.

Strange, actually. We gay people really lost it almost completely.



Sal's way to be is being unafraid

yet accessible as a human being. His is pure man. And at the same time he has gentle features without ever to diminish the striking masculinity of his, as that it rock solid. It just IS.



Making love

When he makes love to me.... FUUUCKING !!!!!!!! Absolutely Amazing ! And yes, of course, we have grown both in that regard. The deep intimate connection, which is pure honesty in all matters, has created an unparalleled intimacy and trust - which isn't solely based on the other, but also in yourself - but combined makes you grow. In all areas. And in very human ways. It's like a force or power, which grows stronger.


Discussing traps

And we do discuss the possibilities of traps, the ones any couple can encounter. So, we do not walk around thinking it can't happen to us. On the contrary, we always keep that in the back of our minds. And that has nothing to do with highlighting the negative. it is prevention. You light up the dark places of your Castello, in order to weaken possible attacks.


How long have I been with guys ?

Sexually for about 38 years. Sal is by far the best fuck in my life - it simply goes beyond any other experience what so ever. It ticks off the boxes at all levels; outside and inside. And we made it happen together - because even if the sex was great in the beginning - it wasn't always friction free. So, it is indeed a matter of work, errors and trust over time, to dare to work with it.

And sometimes we had periods, where we were not ready to talk about it (Jan-Feb 2017)

Ultimately we did it later - and that was when we were ready. Don't be afraid of mistakes. If you do love, truly love, a mistake isn't a mistake in the long run. Once we did sat down and talked, without blame, things exploded like if you enter new levels of relationship, love, sex and intimacy. (This started in April 2017 for us)


Point of choices

You penetrate those classic barriers where most fail. Because we often think that being honest about our secret desires, spoils the relationship, or that the effort to talk is too cumbersome, or bothersome, or because we have too many opinions beforehand about our partner.

And there is the classic "shortcut" thinking - where people like in games and economics, want to have it all. So, we keep our hidden desires and longings unfulfilled in the background - away from our partners - and there in the dark corner they grow, and takes a secret, weird hold of us. Like an invisible wall that is slowly built up. While desires can eat you form the inside. The devil lies in the details hidden....  Both gradually becoming parallel strangers in an ongoing relationship.


So, we start to live double lives

More lies are built upon lies - which locks away more of your good energy. I don't have to point out, that it slowly transfers the power love into the opposite. All in the quiet. Until the bubble bursts one day.

There is a good reason why Sal and I not only are boyfriends and husbands, but also "partner in Crimes". As the latter gives us access to the part we more likely share with good friends and good sex buddies. The part, which usually isn't shared by between husbands, but rather kept hidden.

Sal and I have found common ground - kind of like you do when you just met or dated someone. Where you are still "free enough" to talk about all those things, past boyfriends, guys we liked to fuck, guys we felt attracted of, etc.

But later that part usually get's lost or locked away. Being afraid of what our partner would think. Or to prevent jealousy, and everything that could trigger that. So, we pretend more, and trust less. It really seeps into the relationships in subtle ways. Not so easily detected... What it is. What it does. Where it goes.


Sal & Ralf

It is also sex and love, which is not only powered by strong physical attraction and big attributes - but fueled by a very deep sense of inner connection. It is the real thing and every cell, every fibre, and my entire spirit says yes. This makes sex sometimes go beyond borders - just mind boggling. The simple is mixed with the animalistic mixed with incredible trust and wide open relaxation and attraction.

I often say to him:
Anytime ! Anywhere !



My physical reaction to him instantly. Rock hard. Which is now at the level of a 25 year old. I usually don't get that, especially not with others. And there have been long periods, where i wondered if it even was possible to get hard.

Boy was I wrong.

He admires / envies me for that, because he is slower grower. Always has been. (And boy that so does not matter). I do not see instant hardness as a sign or evidence. Some people are faster, some people are slower. If you can't wait - you have a problem, not the slower grower. When Sal peaks, he is absolutely incredible. To see, to feel, to taste. Beautiful !!!! Incredible sexy. And I love all the shapes. And frankly, I love him even without a penis - so it all doesn't truly matter anymore.

Sal said that whoever had a hand in his physical creation, he/she/it shorten his lengths in person, but equipped him with big nose.... big feet.... and big d... *and we laugh*


But the real power and dynamic

in our relationship has increased significantly since spring 2017. It started with a funny fantasy, where we played that we where sitting at a bench at a buss stop. And making conversation. Flirting. This innocent scene started a big snowball effect over time.

Ultimately leading into that we are today so open, so dear, so incredible honest and yet allow each other to have occasional sex with others. He is a big boy. And a respectful, mature adult ! He doesn't need my advices or guidance.

I do not have to tell him what to do or not to do. He is a very responsible guy, and has been that for all his life the human way. And way before I came into the picture.

Nowadays we enjoy to go together to a porn club. It isn't a pattern nor do we need it. It is more based on a common sense we share, based on playfulness we call "Partner in Crimes"


Not your average joe open relationship

And we are so sweet to each other even at such dark places. Joyful, without those pesky feelings inside. We are not immune, there is always a tiny trace of something vibrating, aware of what we are doing or seeing the other is doing. But we don't tap into it, and therefore do not harm each other, or ourselves.

We talk about it. And we love.

Not the dull couple in dark corridors lingering around together, chasing. We are dear, hug, kiss, secret smiles. Not over the top, but genuine. Companions. Imagine this kind of love albeit you are actually at a cruising cinema having sex with others.


No 1

And the best sex we have, is with each other !! It is so endlessly more. So, we are each others no 1. It is not a thing. Nor a concept of any kind. It is actually the way we feel together. Mind boggling, isn't it ?

This guy is so different, and yet at the same time, perhaps the best part you can develop in a relationship, where to people bring out the good in each other.

It isn't about who is the best, most handsome or sexy guy you date.
It is about which guy brings the best out in you !


A lot more

There is so much extra ordinary to tell in the small details of daily life and love. My god. Everything that takes place without words. The synchronicities. The words without any words. We are now with one leg deeply into the realm of spirit.


Addressed at Perry Gil-Ran, 2003

THIS is the freedom I was talking about when I met Perry in 2003 and mentioned Freedom. He didn't understand a thing of that (not any other for that matter) I mean not really understanding.

It is the freedom that only when spirit is attached, you can grasp what that means. They thought it was my way of trying to keep one door open to have sex with others. A sort of mechanical / technical freedom, a room that isn't belonging to the relationship. To have one foot in the relationship, and one foot outside. So they thought. They thought I wasn't committed into the relationship, by talking about freedom. They totally misunderstood it - all.

Silly boi. Like Puppy love.

They just didn't’t understand the depth of it. Not even remotely. But it is not a blame. We all have the ability to learn. And sometimes it takes decades to get there.



Maybe we all loved as best we could but didn't understand it better. Or didn't truly know the depth of love in a deeper sense. This does take time, experience and a couple of different partners, errors, break ups.

It is not the fault of our partners. Their faults reveal our own ones, and get our selves to know better (if we understand the underpinnings of that, and get over the blame we send out for years onto them)

I mean this in the sense of expansion, not in the sense of ego (like getting better and more beautiful hunky guys is a mechanical/technical goal - but isn't getting you anywhere really ).

What is that anyway ? A sexier partner. A more handsome fuck ? A more trained body. What the heck are we investing into with such attributes ? And what happens to ourselves, when we are going along that lane for too long ?

Absolutely nothing really.