Stockholm - Snösätra • 13 Oct 2020
light clouds, sunshine  @ 07.00

Stockholm Arlanda Airport........3.9°C
Stockholm City........5.0°C
Tullinge.......-1.6°C

Updates, Distance and Overweight

One of the drawbacks with updates is, that if they take to long - I kind of loose connection to what I have written. I mean I did write my Diary entries, but I did not update them onto the server. So, not until yesterday 13 Oct, I updated entries all the way back to 7 Aug.

That's 2 month

It feels kind of weird. I like it much much better, to write and maintaining an inner connection to what I have written. It's just an internal thing of mine; wanting to feel connected to what I write.

Well not that it matters for people.. hahaha. This tiny tiny island called XPan.se.

What is it ? I sometimes don't know.

 

 

Connected to Photography

However, I continue because it is intimately connected to my photography. This is probably the main fuel to my homepage - and has been since it's creation 20 years ago. IT's not really so much what I write, but more about the photography along the road.

One thing I really don't enjoy anymore, are self portraits. I tried last night to make a few ... boy has my reflection changed quite a lot after 20 years. It was fun to use myself as a "model" for any idea that would spontaneously hit my mind - and just do it.

It is an experimental, natural field for the younger - and less for the older. At least in my personal opinion, I wouldn't want to use myself as a "model" for experiments today. Because... I really don't get anything out of it. The results do not convince either. It's that simple. And honest.

So, you better get some serious speck off your waistline, Ralfi duuuude !!!

I loved doing photographical experiments when I was younger. It worked for a couple decades. It was really fun. I learned from it. And it felt convincing. Kind of real.

Most positions and perspectives I tried on myself yesterday looked dreadful. A few I saved, because they were fun with all that black paint in my face *LOL* I used to do that every 5-8 years.... I also love to do that with others !!

(Sal, it's your next turn) *LOL*

 

 

Sal is a wonderful man

because to him the changes of my reflection does not matter to him. I sometimes wonder where he takes the inner power of love from... Always so steady ! Cardinal Capricornian energy ;-)

Even after 6 years with Sal, it feel very genuine what he says and radiates...

 

 

Occasionally I can feel sadness

Over looks that are lost. For a single moment it can feel deep... - but then I really do not dwell on it. It is more that i observe and notice it. And that's it. It is also fascinating. How beauty changes in people. How the physics change into something that one day looks like any other old man or woman.

I find that puzzling. Fascinating. Mindboggling. Strange.

I often study people along the road of life... how they changed.

When I look at myself, a few times I can feel a sort of sorrow. I see that as a natural part of separating myself from the younger Ralf. Those are the changes we go through in this kind of life and physicality. But I can't deny that there is a trace of sorrow in it. And to be "in it". In that very change ! Experiencing it.

It is one thing to observe it in others. It is another thing, when you experience it yourself.

 

The Weight Issue is back ! Damn !!

One aspect which works "against" me (or my ego ??) is that I gained more weight than I like to. Ever since the lockdown in Italy in March 2020, I kind of abandoned my relative strict diet in terms of avoiding sweets and fast carbs.

Since then - I really punched it and did not watch out at all. I just let everything go...

With it - I gained more kilos than I bargained for (and avoided to think of it). Now they have accumulated to a respectable shape that can't be hidden. So, I get reminded every day *meh* More often than not, it makes me feel uncomfortable....this new "outfit". Being almost back to what I was in year 2012 when I was married to Daniel.

I went up from 85 (2009) to 101 kilo (2011/12). I felt terrible. Deeply, deeply ugly... and so lost, that I didn't find my way out of it. My sexuality got totally corrupted, confused, divided, kind of lost.

It's stupid, I know.

 

But it kind of rolled over me (2011-12)

I had not expected to change that rapidly 10 years ago. you know, blowing up like that.

When I met Daniel in 2009, people often thought I was 30 year old (I was 43). Then suddenly - within two years, I changed into something more like 45-50 years old.

I felt deeply ugly. And unhappy - not knowing what to do with it. (or on what way I was heading towards) So, you could say I got stuck and lost.

As well in the marriage to Daniel.

 

Today at 55

This time, it is not as bad, simply because I am now 55 years old - and that isn't so bad - and I am not surprised over a fading look - I have had 10 years to get used to those changes. It felt more... gradual. Natural. And fully acceptable ;-)

The only time I think about it more, is when Sal and I go out to the pornclub meeting other casual sexual encounters *LOL* I don't know in which "class" of looks I belong to. I have absolutely no idea what other people think of me in terms of looks. The trans' often consider me handsome, as they told me several times just recently (Kind, isn't it) But is it true ? I don't know. I really don't.

(And that is ok, too - because I don't need confirmation from other people. I am saying that being humble. What matters, is how I honestly feel about myself...) I believe that outer confirmation is only make-up for the ego, which consumes compliments of others. And then wants more. Becoming a sucker...).

Not my thing anymore.

Right now my weight is somewhere around 96-97 kg I believe. I would prefer it to be around 87 kg instead - feels so much more pleasant.

 

 

Affects psyche and sexuality at times

It's weird. I know. But the roundness makes me feel... uhm... unsexy. Typical 'Pisces' energy - where the personal stuff seems tightly emotionally connected. Which sucks. It also affects my sexuality towards Sal, being more reluctant at times, even avoiding.

Stupid. Stupid. I know.

Deep down, a faint sense tells me, that there is something inside of me, which is indecisive where I want to go. You know, the kind of surge of power. To collect and focus it - in order to walk the change. Something tells me, laziness and lack of ambition (or vision ?) are the answers closer to that I am stuck with overweight. An unwillingness to change my habits. Grrrr. Almost like a programming... Where you prefer the easy way out, with phony, cheap 'thrills' and 'rewards' (goodies, food)

That sounds almost like a domain of the Ego, steering the ship called Ralf.

How quaint.

It sucks to admit that *LOL*

 



iPhone selfies (Oct 2020) are somewhat more forgiving *LOL*

 


- 208 -