Stockholm - Snösätra • 5 Nov 2020
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The Boom Box Boy - part II

 

Sal was talking about deep changes - last autumn 2019

when it stood clear, that he had to leave the house in Nicolosi afoot the Etna Volcano. So, he moved in at Maria Grazia's, near the harbor of Catania, in the middle of the crowd.

He has no home of his own, no job of his own - and yet, he has homes and jobs in a twisted kind of wonderful way.

He connects and is connected with people and their hearts, as they  are connected with him. His daughters Carla and Paula are made from the same wood - and I often have to think - how incredible the whole family actually is, both as a unit, as well as individuals.

There is so much power, so much heart, so much mind and so much CREATIVITY... it is mindboggling. I mean I see that also from a perspective of the boy in me, from long long time ago - always alone, always appeared to be watching life and love from a far distance - no matter how much I tried to reach into that - I never got there (back then). So, I developed my own spaces, ways and like my name Ralf, in it's long time origin means "the leader of the wolf pack", it indicates a nature that both connects to a group - to the world - but also symbolizes a lonely entity, walking his own way. Both opposites in one.

That's pretty much Ralf.

 

So, for me experiencing the Saccullo and Abramo family

is quite THE adventure in so many ways. I am not in the middle of it - but through Sal I get to experience the whereabouts of Mary, Paola, Carla... And it is with pleasure I follow their journey through life.

The daughters have incredible skills and drives.... it is for me, really mindboggling. They experiment. They are not afraid. Like their father - they are so not afraid to testing the world, life and living.

A part of me feels very shy about that - it is one ONE side totally my opposite. (and yet, somewhere deep down, it is not... weird, huh ?)

But in depths - I just admire them for what they are doing ! For being exactly who they are. And who they choose to be.

It's incredible.

I am instead the "plastic daddy" (The swedish expression for Step Father) Isn't that weird... me Ralf... Plastic Daddy ? A Step Father ?!?!?!? HOW DID THAT HAPPEN ?

But it is true - I have a family !

The weird thing about it is, that I am always part of an adult, and part Ralf "boy", the old very young buy - who is always with me, too. That makes me experience the worlds in a strange, multiple way. And yes, sometimes I don't know which Ralf I am (from the perspective of young, middle or old).

It's confusing. It is exciting. It is very interesting !

 

Not easy to live with... Ralf

I am not so easy to live with, hahaha.

I know that. I am extremely, extremely complex. But not necessarily complicated. Those are two different things. I only get complicated sometimes, when life situations get too complicated. Often I am more cool tan you would think. But it is the extreme complexity which makes me surely anything but easy in my old exes lives.

ASK MY EXES - and they will 500% agree.

But here is the thing about my exes. They wanted an easy way.

They wanted beauty. Sexy. Fun. Easy Flow.

 

The ignorance in the dynamics behind Ego and Heart

I often find it interesting, how many times relationships were based on them going the easy route (but got the opposite). I mean, a relationship for the sake of comfort and fun. Yet life taught them a lesson in terms of that things do not work out the way you think it does. As everything turned out very different, by exposing our ugly ego traits. Which do complicate as well potentially corrupt even the best intentions. As you look into the other direction revolving your own darkness - it is way easier, less energy demanding to project it onto your partner / or he on you.

The Blame Game. The Silent Treatments. The refusal to dig in deeper for understanding of the dynamics behind Ego and Heart.

That was not my intend to let a relationship go sour - nor do I believe they had any bad intentions, either ! But you see, nativity and ignorance ain't solve the problems. It all re-emerges again through other people they meet later. If you go into denial and ignorance - it will be the same all over again.

 

1 Relationship: 2 people = 4 entities under the same roof.

Those who lives with me - didn’t get the Easy their Ego had in mind to surf the tide of times. My inner complexity to be Ralf - is filled with extreme opposites in a fine network of overall balance - so it actually works, better than ever before, as I grow older.

Back in time - it worked less well. All that emotional stuff of love, loving and such... well and people just not being particularly deep, you know. "Silent Treatment" thing, and "can't put their emotions into words", and "silent expectations".... all that just makes everything so complicated to figure out.

Two hearts, and two Egos, means 4 Entities are living under the same Roof !

And if communication ain't working - you're fucked. I mean, if you are a deeply sensitive thing - it get's complicated in real life. And to iron that out into a sort of balance, can even make the guy with the best intentions bitter and "hateful" at times.

Then it takes many years to neutralize it, and let it grow into something like wisdom, where you do not any longer have to blame things onto your past loves... because you understand also your own "darkness" better, in terms of that some combination develop unlucky combinations.

Even the best people can fail when that comes together.

 

That doesn't mean, the love you two felt, wasn't there.

It surely was. But not all love is the right kind which supports development for two people together. Sometimes we do not even realize for ourselves, what it is we want. We often think, but it ends up in wishful thinking - where we claim to know ourselves. but that isn't always true.

And if you add a lot of ego ambitions, different goals into the relationship of two people - well that love, is made of different wooden material - and may not really match. Even if you both feel deep love. It isn't always that it works out in the earthly way.

And we are not always easy in accepting wanting to let go. Or our ego has invested to much into the relationship construction - just being that - a construction - and not so much honest realization. Sometimes we have to go the hard way - because it is the only way we snap out of what isn't working. But then we also have to learn how to snap out of our OWN ego that is in our way, and in the way for love. Or we have to snap out of fairytale land - because we are doormats, trying to live a dream that is just that... a dream, blinded by so much physical beauty, because of programming we all get too much of "what is hot and what is not".

Who can tell that is right or wrong - when there is no true rule you can apply for many people.

Because there isn't a rule that works for many.

It's truly individual.

 

So, my Exes cooled down pretty quickly (I guess)

Sal supports me 500% and is with me all the way, no matter what. (Yet he never is a puppet of my ego or mood !!) He will put me "in place", if needed - I can assure you that. (Oh, and I do the same with him a few times, when it was appropriate)

Is the expression correct ? When you put somebody in place. I mean like "go sit !!", A lesson, a situation where you actually have to give your partner a sincere but straight lesson. That kind of thing.

Well Sal ain't your average kind of Joe either. Anything but. And yet, he is so full of life, no fear,full of heart, sense and sensibility - at the same time not a weak sponge or carpet. (Anything but, actually). He has an amazing ability to connect to most different people and handle situations (for which I admire him deeply) There is something about that guy, which goes beyond anything I have ever met before.

 

I was not ready to meet Sal - before I really met him.

in 2014+2015! And I believe he wasn't either, for other reasons, I totally see now, why our paths did not cross earlier. He had certain important milestones / challenges to pass first. Also from the perspective of the family, his daughters and everything. But when it was time - we got a lot of "help"... to cross path. In the most wondrous ways whose seeds were sown already one year before in the most fascinating way...

As I trace back the many subtle decisions we made in our own lives... from the separation with my ex husband Daniel 2013-14, the Tenerife ticket, the changes of destination in those tickets (i almost threw them away), then the meeting with the semi-sociopathic Tommy that spring 2014 and how it all also interacted in the decisions that made me in the end after all, land alone in Catania, in Oct 2014 as my final destination.

Afoot of Etna Volcano. With view of Etna from the balcony...

The coincidence with Giuseppe already before my journey - who wrote a site on the internet about gay Catania, which made me change my mind. Because 2 month before - I was so down after the Tommy events - really was on the verge of skipping the Catania entirely.

The spirit in how Giuseppe wrote his page was beautiful - changed my mind turning into great curiosity about this to me unknown city of Catania, at the east coast of Sicily. (Norwegian just started to fly non-stop for the first time there that year) As it happened, the guy who wrote the site - was the same whom I rented a room from - but I did not know that both where one and the same person !!

I lived at Giuseppe's place 1 week, and the magic interaction with him, thunderstorms and sex - and being really a nice guy - was an experience. I think it was more like a Champagne effect. Short and strong ;-) but nothing more serious. And I allowed myself to be honest about that, without building air castles. Then my choice on the last evening, to go alone to the city park of Bellini - doing my own excursions ;-)

There were so many strange subtle decisions made from the end of 2013 until June 2015... which all where directly partially subtly interconnected with meeting Sal. And how easily it would have not happened, if only one subtle thread was done differently.

But that evening in Oct 2014... it lead me me to meet Sal, as he met me that evening. Short. Sexy. And no contact afterwards.

Also on that very day, he was in the park during daytime with a friend - who pointed me out (which i was not aware of) nor Sal was aware of me, until the friend pointed me out.

Then Sal's decision to go back to the park - after work several hours later - wondering if I would be there. (I was)

Then we had a very sexy encounter - and even after that - we separated without any contact, no email, no telephone number - me only saying "This was really fun. I come back in 8 month - we could meet again in the park" and that was it.

And we did meet again against all odds, 8 month later. Even that highly unsure - because on the first day in Catania after 8 month - he was not there. Neither on the second or third say.

Sal showed up on the 4 last days of my 2 week stay. I recognized him from behind sitting on the bench - "his bench" - And I thought... that must be the silverfox... And it was.

From that moment on, we started to date, despite living at different places in the world. I visited Sicily 32 times ever since. He visited Stockholm 15 times. And we are married.

2400 km distance was never a reason for me, not to...love

So. Sal started beyond, where all other men in my life had stopped.

 


I still think my exes have potentials

Just ain't developed somehow. They have ways to go along their own destiny.

I wasn't their destiny - just a stop in between.

I was both good and a bad experiences for them. Like a key. (As they were keys for me, to be unlocked later in life) You either unlock the deeper wisdom in bad meetings, or you just throw away the key. Do not believe it comes easily. It requires a lot of effort in the journey of exploring Self. I guarantee you. If you think it is relatively easy, you get false results (which is ok, too, because you do bump into repetitious situations later in life, which brings things up to the surface again - as many times as needed - until you become the creation of change - which only becomes real if a change is understood deep within).

They keys to that dwells in ourselves.

Life will pick up those keys - though another person in their lives. Not easily handed over on a silver platter, but quite often the opposite; though the drama which unfolds in the interactions and conflicts between two people.

My Exes have never being able to avoid the challenges they have to face (whether through me or others, the principle in essence is the same)

They met "Ralf" along the road of life - one of several "conflict centers" that challenged their own ego set up (as it challenged my own errors to look deeper into, as well). The question is, if they can learn from it next time in a deeper, profound way, in a new relationship - or it just stays in the same patterns - same outcome, only details differ.

The "It was just a negative experience" kind of thing. Case over.

 

We all get these strange challenges.

It helps us to grow, as individual souls in a greater perspective - one that goes way beyond this life on earth and dimensions. As well we can choose to just live an earthly life, the illusion of it, exploring the shapes and forms, live and die with it. Without a hitch or any deeper meaning. Works too. Does so for many people.

There are many deeper layers in the lives we live here in this realm... ready to discover if you choose to.

But the potential growth of wisdom is not served on a silver platter.

Some questions will take decades to understand in a deeper, multi-faced way. Sometimes it comes in steps - and then appears to change again. Like you have revisions of what you thought was the answer about a failed relationship. There are many onion layer attached. So the "answers" or "truth" is in fact relative, or can be, for quite a long time. But you will feel to have found the answer - and then realize a decade later, there is another layer beneath what you thought was the truth

Others, will never get it during one lifetime. Because it is free choice to choose, to dig in or to stay away, ignore it. Each one chooses their own experiences.

 

I can have my opinion about it

- but it ain't me who can force the other one to make or take that experience. Or them choose "right" decisions. That's bull - and I understand this better now.

I believe I have struggled in this for a very long time. It's not that I was incapable to understand it - but I didn't realize the error in my own autonomous thinking. The pre-defined values and ideas about relationships and marriage.

 

It's like you search for the seed of a problem

but fail to include that it might be in a spot you never even considered to look at. For instance, in your mindset of thinking - the things you take for granted how you value and judge by default - can in itself be the place of hiding errors. Leading up to deeper conflicts with others - with the consequences that you might engage in chasing a phantom - instead of solution created from deeper understanding.

Also; it isn't easy to think straight when you are in a relationship filled with conflicts, whether it is in yourself or with your partner. The restless energy acts like layer surrounding the minds of those who are involved. But... we often want to eat the cake, as well keep the cake at the same time.

What's it gonna be, Murph ?

Kind of strange how everything is so intertwined... with so many layers that my words certainly aren't enough to put it down into a meaningful (shorter) sentences.

It likely needs effort, to be understood. I wished my way of using words and expressions would make it easier - but sometimes I think I am my own stone in the way.

*LOL*

 

Spirit Family

They say, that before we get born into the life we now life, our spirits knew exactly the challenges they would face, the rolls they would play. That that the soul group family we belong to, some members agree to play the really bad people in our lives. Because it is part of the total growth of a would, to meet those challenges, not just on the surface of things, but also deeper. For out spirits, it is part of the deal, for the soul to grow - you have to life these earthly lives - and meet the good and bad guys.

But they are likely part of your spirit soul family.

(That doesn't mean, while on earth, you agree to bad people who literally hurt you. Or you them, for that matter, as I did to others, and others did to me). I understand a bit more of that they all (in my life) played an important part, in the way I shaped, grew and evolved. rejected, reflected, got stuck and got unstuck again - but for the right reasons, with better recognition why, when and how. My errors served me well. I realize that even my own wrong doings, wrong thinking's also play an important part in how I have evolved as a human being and as a soul.

So, It isn't all about avoiding negativity and even errors. They are part of the whole as much as not doing them, and orienting yourself towards the positive in life

You DO make errors. And you DO slip into negativity. Or even search for it. I can't say it is neither good or bad - because it does shape us as human being, and it ain't all bad. I see that from my own errors and misjudgments. They later served me in my overall development as a human being, after I identified and understood them deeper than before.

Its almost like a step by step thing - sometimes over a couple decades, certain aspects sink into a deeper understanding.

Now get your ass off the sofa, and learn from your mistakes, errors, misjudgments.

 

Revisit them from time to time

reflect a bit more about you, others, and the interactions you had. Revisit your feelings. Are you still there in the past feeling pain ? Does it still hurt ? And why is that ? What is the part that is stuck ? Who do you think you need, to be "whole". Why ? What makes you think that you are not whole ? Maybe it is that you persist in the belief of a thought that somebody else has the answer, solution for your "missing love" ? What if you are wrong about not having love ? What stops you from being love, and to manifest it into your life, also in relationships ? It's not an attitude that gives you the real connections...

Can you be honest to your self ? Or do you spend a lot of energy to waste time on explanations. Still declaring others guilty for the wrongs in your life today ?

Don't forget to breathe deeply, slowly, steadily...

It all makes sense. So many things, that absolutely made no sense to me at all - kind of all come together (of that I can grasp from my personal past). For me it does. And it all starts and ends deep within.

Like a portal.

I get that now.


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