Not everyone is showed in the images above, but they are a few from the 80s and 90s, made with color negative (analog) film, I scanned during the Christmas Holidays 2021.

Three of them are not alive anymore (from what I know).

To go through the periods of the 80s and 90s, left in me a lot of... well let's just say, highly mixed feelings. I guess it never really disappears - because images for me appear to be extremely intimate connected to the "spirit of times", that were... And the 80s were a shit decade, which got worse the closer it got to 1991. Especially 1989 and 1990 were truly bad, and then going further down the hill in 1991.

Then - one of my best periods ever in life occured during 1992-93, only to plunge into a a new worst (1996+1998-99). Highly confusing. And so exhausting in terms of energy drains. And my ideals, kind of kept me hanging on for the wrong reasons. Stubburn bitch I was, just couldn't let go without understand the dynamics in why I got so hook. As I said - for all the wrong reasons.

It wasn't much better in the 00s, to be honest, albeit some shorter beautiful periods existed, it was mainly even more confused. Again, holding onto... for the wrong reasons.

 

How to... stay impersonal ?

I find it really difficult to stay totally neutral in front of my own past - i mean the thousands of images I made each and every year since the mid 80s. I mean "impersonal" in terms of being attached and feeling empathy (for what was, and whom where in my life) yet at the same time staying impersonal, without making a "fuzz" out of what was.

To connected with heart - yet without being drawn into the attachments from back then ? How do you do it ? Even when I think there isn't much attachments or emotions left - it is often not truly honest. I mean it is honest, but at the same time - it's is all there - let's not fool myself. But the question is, despite of it all - how do you stay centered with your heart, without putting blame or guilt to anyone, both myself as well other people in my life from the past ?

That I find interesting - really worth to work for. Not "work for", even if it yes, requires a lot of work. But ultimately it is then a matter of BEING. (to implement what you have learned - but in truth have learned) That what includes honest self observation, and not ego centered "wannabe conclusions" we wrap ourselves with as and manifest it further into a identity. Some of it for convenience and to not ever face the truths, which should also dare to include the dark aspects in the moat of our soul.

 

What lies beneath and deeper...

I am interested into what lies deeper; what moves the mind, heart and soul - including the "traps" and "love bites" which challenges our soul to either see in truth the aspects we give energy to - or to trap it into stay further detached to our heart. I want to love, for the right reason - but because some bloody string form the past, makes me "jump" into an adventure or going down "in love" with somebody, which ultimately just locks you up onto more shit and bleeding energies.

Nevertheless - it is all connected. We often give our consent to it, without realizing that we do. And that makes our "nemesis" partners form the pas t, into our best teachers !

Which is a bit ironic, when you think about it. The "worst people" in our lives, are in fact our best teachers, because they challenges us to learn, realize and dig deeper. Or to choose not to. Then "the others" will play the same roll like the "worst people" previously... and it goes on and on and on... Until you die. I mean for many, they just don't get pass by their created identities they built in this life time.

 

Jepp. The Lessons.

Ultimately I could never escape the lessons I had to face in this life.

I believe strongly that even if the people would have been others - I still would have faced the same (or similar) lessons. You just can't get pass by them. And when you think you do - that is when it hits you up anyway. Make no mistake, to think you can avoid them. (Life will let you believe that you did). It is kind of karma, really... certain lessons we always have to face during that actual lifetime we live for the time being.


- 168 -