What happened to so many guys I met through life... as there is almost nobody left, I know of ? It is strange, is it not ? Are we all living in our own bubbles ? A part of me cares a lot - and I DO think A LOT of the people I have met, or even lived with, been friends with (as they have been with me). I also think of the friends I had, but quit over time. Like Ulli for example. And many others. Most of them hover are a matter of "running out into the sand" over time.

Regardless what there has been in between us - I always think of those who have been in my life. And for most of the time, I am neither angry nor irritated. I am able to feel the "feelings form back then anew" - which isn't always pleasant - but it does not prevent me from thinking of them in a good way.

It is mainly a feeling of going beyond whatever it was that separated. And even if I would do so again - it does not contradict to that I always think of them along the path of my life. That hasn't really changed. It is also partially because of all the photos I have of those I met in life... How can I not think about them ?


A few ambivalent ones.

Of course, a few of them I always get ambivalent feelings. Like Perry and Johannes. They are people who are not easy to pinpoint. Even Johannes, which we have met last year several times, Sal and I, and liked him really very much - but yeah, it goes exactly the same way, like it always has done so since 1996.


Johannes: Up like a sun - down like a pancake.

Like.... uhm... nothing. At least this time, it wasn't just my impression. This time, a totally different character in my guy Sal, also made that experience with Johannes. So at least I can say, I wasn't totally wrong with my struggle with Johannes over the years. Our "contact" - what a funny word after all those years - always were like sunshine going up - and then all of the sudden... nothing. Silence. And I so didn't understand that. You always got into the position of "wanting too much". But that is not true, really. I didn't want anything from Johannes he wouldn't want to give. But at least - be honest about it, dude.

Well. He turns 75 years old now. Still a powerful aura - which is truly fascinating. Even Sal felt that, albeit Sal comes from a totally different category of beings.

He hasn't said or written or anything in one year. The contact just stopped. I can understand that I was "too much" due to the Corona Plandemic. Ok, i buy that. But Sal ? They were great together in communication. Very interested and in fact, they where talking most of the interesting stuff - not me *LOL* But that too, didn't really make any difference.

You would think that when you are in the experience a great mutural contact - you keep it over time active in a mutural way as well. But not with johannes. It just doesn't work that way.


Johannes is almost like a "Servant". If I write to him tomorrow - he will respond (within a week). Likelyhood to meet is great when there has been a long break. Otherwise, he is always suddenly budy with all kinds of errands and things (wihch means, yuy guys want to meet, but it just doesn't take place - which can go on for weeks and months. Until I get tired of it). Johannes doesn't make contact because he feels for it, to mingle with us, or just Sal.

It's very strange. And so it always has been. and yes, I do feel disappointed sometimes. A mix of disappointment and irritation. Probably because it is the kind of soil I know so well with Johannes, going in these weird waves, separated with long intervals of no contact. And then it starts again - happy, happy (so it seems) - and then it goes into... nothingness again.


In or out ? Or both ?!! Damn...

I tend to cast such people out of my life. But frankly, I doesn't help. When you like a person - well you like a person. Nothing really changes that (deep down). On the surface, yeah, you can reject somebody. But it is not always the case if you get deep down. Perhaps it is just the differences that one rejects, not the person as the being he (or she) is, you know.

you can love a person all your life, but that doesn't mean you can be with that person, or live with that person. That kind of "issue" i am trying to put in words here.

Ok, enough of Johannes. Gosh.

One thing does comes to mind; none of the guys have been particularly courageous, I must say... Neither Johannes nor Perry. So, what is it with those guys, anyway ?! What makes them so special ?

I have no answer to that. The few courageous people I know from many decades of meetings and experiences, is Salvatore. He rises to the occation after making mistakes or having had harsh confrontations, because he reflects and looks into many aspects deeper - without excluding himself in that reflection.

That is very rare !

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