The above image is one of the very few I ever made with color negative film in Toy cameras. In this case it was the twin eyed Holga version, while Serge and Daniel were joking around. The funny thing with toy cameras, which mostly use a single plastic ƒ8 lens element - is that when you have strong lights directed towards the lens, you get huge amounts of flare. It also happens with pinhole cameras, by the way.

another feature that is useful with those self-cooking shutters is, that you can do double exposures. Simply press the shutter, over and over again.

Voilá. You got it.

 

 

That feeling of having lost my creativity ?

What bothers me since a longer time as I look back is - that it seems like I lost my "drive" or "mojo". When I think back - the whole Corona Plandemic, the urgency it all to penetrate the cynical, dark layered aspects behind it, really made me steep dive into that moat - and it basically pushed aside almost everything else in my life.

And that since March 2020 ! Right form the beginning in Sicily, had the alarm bells went off that something is seriously wrong / false what's been rolling out onto humanity... but I didn't understand why. I had to follow my instincts on the inner warning signals. I know too well, not to ignore such major signs that come from deep within.

I had that intense urge of understanding more about it... And that basically threw me into a cosmos of virology, politics and parallels to past events, I had to learn endlessly more about... and boy it took time, effort and several thousands of hours...

 

Brain Storms

I think I have never ever in my entire life read so much, studied and researched so much - like I did in the past 22 months.

I have never ever in my life bought so many books like in the past 2 years.

Not to mention all the ones I still have to read - which unfortunately I am not very good at. But it is actually nice to have physical books for a change - so they will not run away. I have had so many episodes of where I felt my brain was on fire, from listening like 10 hours content at the time. Which happened very often... And yet, it worked. I am amazing how much the brain can take in, when you truly want to learn. However, it was also often attached to deep sorrow, where my heart literally felt like a huge stone in my chest - as the underpinnings, lies and devilish deceits started to unfold...

It does take a toll, you know.

 

How could it happen ? And, Why does it happen again ?

You wouldn't think, that there can be so much evil, to a degree that it takes your breath away. Or that the threats can come from totally normal people "like you and I", though something so trivial like ignorance, refusal to listen, refusal to learn, refusal of everything. That too felt chocking. Maybe one day, those are the people, your "friends" who will raise the guns, when they line you up against the wall. The normal ones, the ones we still call "you and I", who through ignorance, refusal and denial - by thinking they are supporting the good, will be the ones who kill you, living you up against the wall.

Then I started to understand, how the Second World War could emerge, gradually and then faster and faster... How whole countries, the normal people, would succumb to do a mind set, which eventually would lead to millions of deaths, misery and destruction.

By just following orders, without questioning. And then afterwards - everyone" was asking "How could this happen". Yeah, no shit, Sherlock, how could it happen.

And why does it happen again - but the means are slightly different ?

 

Down the rabbit hole

Anyway... digging deeply into the moat of the Plandemic, has been like a second job for me. I needed to understand the many sides of the whole. And I do not regret it - I really don't. But I see, that it has shifted my focus from the creative, loving and joyful, towards extreme intensity, frightening and interesting aspects of present life. Yes, romance got quite a bit lost. Dreaming got lost in the jungle as well. Creativity also got severely dampened... I can feel that. Like somebody who has been out of the loop for far too long. I mean what am I doing today in my photography... not much (plus that I tend to forget what I have done more recently, let's say during the past 4 years).

 

When I think of Sicily

it feels as if that has been a life that is no more. Like a different life, I sometimes wonder - if I was really there, and lived it ? I went there for heavens sake 31 times.... and then it all went *puff*. The people. The warmth. The spontaneity. The talking. The laughing. The loving. The charm. It also feels like something has been ripped out of my life.

But it is stupid to compare - because gosh - when it comes to disruption, destruction and severe ripple effects, most people around the world had so much more to go through compared to what we are going though here in Sweden. So, that put's things back into perspective - and there is nothing for me to cry about. It is what it is - and I chose my road from the very first moment on in the Plandemic.

 

It's like in the Matrix 2 Movie.

"You have not come to make a choice - you made it already. You are here to understand why you made it". And that was exactly what happened back then during the first lockdown days of March 2020 in Sicily being trapped there, and looking with estranged eyes onto the unfolding script... But I needed to understand the why, which back then, I did not understand. I went on pure instinct and from what I had learned about the AIDS drama in hindsight.

But I had already chosen, before I even knew the depths of it. I was blinded by the hiv = AIDS drama beginning in the mid 80s - the lies, deceits and incredible amount of killings on a global scale with help of fatal protocols and lethal medicines recommended - initiated by the same Fauci, and adopted by most countries and hailed as treatments... by killing people, not curing them.

This time in March 2020, right form day one on 10 March, I did not step into the same shit lies.

 

But...

The question was in the beginning, how do I get back my creativity for a change ? It is of course not all lost. I do not need to compete - and I enjoy tremendously when I see other people's talents and creativity. So, in that regard I do feel "safe", you know. I also enjoy to take care of what I have done in the past, by bringing order into my physical archive of negatives and film rolls - as well to scan them with scanner as well with a digital camera, and then working with them, until they are good images. It is time consuming of course. But at least I can show off and share some images here in my Diary.

I see beauty in bringing film negatives back to life for the first time after 20-35 years - finally blossoming for the first time, you know. That is fun. It's not just all about taking images, it is also about caring about them. Letting them mature, grow, and finalize. That work, I feel is fun, when you work with it, so that it can shine - even if the motives I made 35 years ago aren't exactly any exciting - but it took a while until I started to unfold my creativity.

I think that first switch - or the process of letting in emotions into my photography - didn't start until around 1990. So, it was not until after 7 years of photography... Maybe it went hand in hand with my emotional development - starting to unfold my own scars for the first time, leading into the "great Depression" for me in 1990-1991 - and of course also changed the way I worked in my photography. Kind of interesting in hindsight... But back then, I just felt so endlessly lost. Both in my self, as well in my photography... I often felt "something essential was missing".


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