I often feel that in my private diary here, my mindset - the way i write - often dips rather easily into anger and blame. While in real life, both internally the way I think and feel, as well the way i interact with other people - are not quite that angry or irritated.

So, I feel like my diary isn't rally reflecting the way I am in real life. It is however true, that I do have a reservoir of anger - and the whole Plandemic has made it rise to new heights, in the face of absolute corruption by the forces we falsely chose to see as our leaders, advisors and protectors (more or less). Given that millions of people have been deliberately sent to their death under the umbrella of experimental, genetic altering injections... it boils my blood ! Because there is no excuse for such crimes - and any kind of belief and trust have been utterly depleted.

After all, they already killed a million with AZT under the false umbrella narrative of "HIV creates AIDS"... so that was already a pre-covid run. And it really kept us under a spell in the 80s, with fear being exploited at every corner (in Sweden) in the end of the 80s.

 

Jonas Söderström in the 80s

was a buddy of mine - one of the more prominent guys in Stockholm, who "died of AIDS". In reality, he got "positive" tested, and got prescribed AZT in the belief that it "helps".. but instead it killed him slowly like so many other gay friends ended up the same way. With exactly those symptoms we described "AIDS" to - is what AZT does. A highly lethal drug, killing off people. One of the most toxic drugs in existence. Signed by Fauci. YEs, the same Fauci who dusted off AZT and it's variants, also orders the experimental, falsely "tested" (but not approved) Remdesivir to kill off at least 500.000 people in the US. It makes the kidneys kollapse, and create severe liver damages - people often die form it, and it is extremly expensive.

 

Ivermectin

The highly Covid effective Ivermectin on the other hand only costs 3 cents per pill - was forbidden around the world. Ivermectin falsely titled as "horse medicine" - is in fact listed for humans on the WHO's essential list for medications as safe, cheap and effective drug - and was given a Nobel Prize.

Dr Fauci is a psychopath mass murder in the same style as Hitler, Mao, Stalin - and should be hanged for his crimes against Humanity - for the millions he indulged and ordered to take lethal drugs which is KNOWN to cause death. And it caused millions of people to die from his "medicine".

What a shithead, beyond comprehension. To call up on that man as a hero - is the most absurd idiocy perhaps telling more of our own Covid delusion and mass psychosis. When we call mass murderers for heroes - the time seem to be up for humanity. Then we have not understood what is good and bad for us anymore. We clearly have lost all our minds.

 

The Covid Plandemic

and it's lethal, illness inducing, immune system degrading shots, were supported by most governments around the world - so the scam went totally global. Not to mention the utter devastation of so many lives, livelihoods into many more millions around the world, both in rich as well poor countries.

It makes me so angry, that we swallowed all those blunt lies. That we went conform into a mind set which more and more lead into hating certain groups in society, who didn't quite buy the narrative as it was supposed to by the governments, puppets and corrupted "experts" - plus the too many wannabees, who did their dancing for health, get a shot.

It's unforgivable. Absolutely shameful and utterly a disgrace. Only because that millions because of that, up to 20 million healthy people died from those shots, and another 75 million had their lives destroyed due to severe side effects, changing their lives forever, in ways that never can be restored.

all that - we bought, because when the government says "jump out of the window" - it must be right, and we jump out of the windows. We literally did in terms of deaths. All the way down to children who got the jabs, and too many died.

With a deeply criminal media, who covered it all up. That's also another area of both concern as well deep anger for me. How they all played by the same script.

 

The thing that bothers me, about myself,

is, that there are other ways to look upon many things, appearances and people. While I sometimes feel as if I just stay "stuck" with my anger - there are other ways to deal with the whole situation. What about looking at the good side of things - and by that I don't mean to ignore the dark sides. But in terms of spiritual-body-health strengthening, one can not always look at the dark side of things, and continue to pour fire and anger into that source... because it ultimately just drains me personally (While it has been every draining, i do in real life, many things that balance this out - plus that i am way more tolerant even for the deepest pain). Because that is what it often has caused inside of me - to look behind the scenes, looking through the deception of "health" really often containing death and grave illnesses for people - who thought, and truly believed, to do the right thing.

It pains me, and I am often deeply connected to it. At the same time, I have a very good recover mechanism inside of me. Give me one nights of sleep, and I am largely restored. I am not blind to the good things in life - on the contrary, I am very sensitive to it, and can light up at any time, for trivial things, beautiful occurrences, tiny little warm moments between people, the sight of animals, the interactions between people, the startling humor between people... That too is part of my daily life - and I am really open to it - and my heart smiles and shines.

It's just my Diary sounds like a frikkin angry chamber... and it sound's... well, it doesn't sound so fun, really. Not that I need exactly "fun" in my Diary - but it seems like my Diary is mostly a corner in which i puke out my anger, it seems...

 

Back in time, I sued to

spend a lot of time in my writings about the beautiful things in life. A part of me "wants back to that time or state". But here is the thing - the crucial thing about 20 years ago:

I wasn't really happy. And all the beauty that I was writing about, the small things in life - many times, those words where really based on... a large portion of wishful thinking, plus an secret mood of victim hood. Which can be expressed beautifully combined with a beautiful young face and everything... but I know now, that this inner helplessness, this secret victim hood, and the never ending sorrows I kind of carries in my soul - while beautiful looking - where based on something which wasn't as clear sighted, not as mature (which is excusable, though), and a lot of wishful thinking. Like daytime illusions.

Sure, I have always been open to many wonders between situations, sights and views... and loved to write them down. but sometimes I feel like, I also did it, in order to "gain energy" from others. Almost like (without saying it) begging for it. What a sad, beautiful young man - kind of style.

I didn't know any better back then. I've always felt like i was floating through life, not really sure where it would lead me. For most of the time with a feeling that OK, i just continue. And I jumped into things, relationships, kept my heart open - but at the same time, was I really aware of what I wanted ? What was good or bad for me ? Which people where good or bad for me (which also can mean, that sometimes people seem to pull out the worst in me, or the other way around). That doesn't say they are bad - only that the combination and where you stand in life, perhaps simply wasn't the right time to be "together".

All these things, you know, matter.

At the same time, I guess, that I did wanted to experience life, the various forms of relationships. And the problems that followed in the path (challenging a lot that had to do with me, and on which level I stood in my own maturity, or the lack thereof).

Today, I see things quite differently. While I still harbor many parts of the same personality, moods, impulses and everything else from THAT time 20-25 years ago, are still with me today. But it is not only those parts in me, anymore. There is a lot more added to it now.

I am not different, and at the same time, I am somewhat different. Both yes and no at the same time. Like in a paradox. Or at least, I recognize the parts that made up Ralf back in 1995 and onwards, I still recognize inside of me. But there is more to it all - and I do not fully agree on everything I thought or felt back then, with how i feel now.

For example; i do not consider that emotions are to be given too much room, to such a degree that emotions takes over everything else. I suspect that the mind sends out beliefs, which are then translated into emotions (think of emotional traps), and make you almost go on automatic reactions. Which can cause great discomfort and trouble in for example a relationship.

Perhaps today, I would with people like Perry, far more clearer, where I am ready to go along with him, and the areas where I am not "complying". I would set much straighter boundaries in many ways - which doesn't even give the change to develop into trouble or deep emotional discomfort. I wouldn't given myself the change to let it go that far, until (like it was the case back then) started to dissolve my personality, myself - in favor to please him. That's probably why i was so furious at times (at some level realizing that my own personality started to disintegrate, to dissolve... but for what = It made me so angry. And I turned out to become a very erratic person in the marriage with Perry. At the same time I felt incredible helpless, as nothing seem to make any difference with him.... which lead into that a part of me, truly felt, what is the point with being together with a person like that (who can not even handle words, nor express himself though words).

I wouldn't have gone as far with Perry, in the first place. Despite his incredible looks which I loved dearly, but at the same time, there was something very off with the guy (while he was also incredible nice and dear). But I can't make up my mind if he actually had sociopathic traits or not. I really can't tell, not even today. But the thought has crosses my mind many times, that something utterly strange was lurking in the shadows of his deeper personality...

So, I became the guy who "rocked the boat" and "danced on the table" with angry outbursts turning into a highly erratic person. Sure not easy to be with.

But the thing with Perry was - he never ever actually spoke about his feelings, his inner troubles, nor anything what so ever. He never even once was able to pinpoint his perspective of inner trouble, if something bothered him. So, he never even dealt with anything - but instead relied on to some I don't know, superficial automation "logic", you learn from family and community - but you can never tell if that is part of Perry, or just part of what has been absorbed, like kids do with "facts" at school. HE wanted things to work out of the box. As with relationship. Having certain standards. And if you had a couple of things, that bothered him, you were not worthy anymore. That kind of style. And even that we couldn't tell you, but instead in an indirect way, letting you feel it (if you had the sensitivity to sense that, I mean).

So, all requirements for the "silent treatments" was there. And that is something which makes me utterly furious. All this kind of projection and making somebody guilty through silent treatment - actually had the opposite effect on me - just making me even more angry. But that was my problem, since it came from me.

Still - it was all too strange. To never even once discuss what was going on and perhaps look at it, what could have been the culprits, misunderstanding. you know, the kind of discussion ,where none collects any point through the blame game, but actually just looking into the underpinnings, why things went wrong. As an act of listening, learning and reflecting - without plattitudes attached in speech.

But people engaging into too much pride, and valuing other people in their special terms... perhaps it is an Israeli thing that is transfered to many, but it ain't helping to actually getting to know oneself from a deeper perspective. I mean we all have quirks - and sometimes those quirks are a serious threat to a potentially wonderful relationship. If both partners canät talk about it... the chances are slim to be able to solve it. And so it is accumulatedover time, until the bubble bursts.

I never had the impression of that Perry is the kind of guy who actually can or wants to talk about his more private issues. He always things look rather trivial. Like saying "I've always had problems with words". Like a mantra from upper childhood, which then still was an excuse for a guy in his 30s, to get away from dealing with any interpersonal conflicts in the relationships.

Well that ain't helping. He wanted to be so happy, and at times in the beginning, it felt as if he got really close to that experience. But something untold, something deeper down, was off. A kind of pride ? I don't know. He always seem to live a life, where you go into a relationship, where once it fits to his requirements, and is him worthy, then everything is fine.

He was a talker, but not really a teller of anything.

 

Why am I talking about Perry

, a guy I have been married to like what ? 19 years ago. Well, significant relationships and marriages are interesting milestones. They are also for me, a way to see where am I standing, like 20 years later ? have I changed ? Have i learned something ? What are my feeling revolving those people in hindsight ? Sometimes I was able to see 10 years later, that I hadn't really learned anything, and that the feelings and the traps, where still exactly the same. And with that, I would anew walk in to the same traps.

But it was my responsibility (or lack thereof), and not Perry to blame. I mean not really him to blame, because those where my feelings, and that the traps were all still in place, meant, that I hadn't learned my lessons.

 


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