The letter has several errors, spelling mistakes and not quite Swedish correct expression mistakes in it. But here is translation as following with DeepL translator:



To Ralf Pergandé,

There are consequences. We have seen the information written on a web quote called XPAN about Olof, edited by Ralf P. We have thought about it further and ask him kindly, to remove everything he has written. Your pestering information is false and disturbing to our family members.

We have contacted the police and now a law firm. You do not have the rights. This is a crime. You have until the end of March. Before we take legal action against, consequently. you as responsible, further.


Brian Telle



(my former) Page 153 (from year 2022)

That Diary entry; a content about Olof T who i last year discovered with chock, that he had died, has been removed by the request - or claimed as such - by a person with the name of "Brian Tell" on claims it is on behalf Olof T's family members.

Without any return address, I may add - which in itself is strange - because whom am i answering back to ? Or is this person feel so entitled of himself, that this isn't even necessary ? I can't tell. They (whomever that he/they are supposed to be) get to say what they get to say. How am I supposed to take clear position on that ?

Here in my Personal Diary ?!?! Come on !

While I didn't like the letter nor the underdwelling tone as using threats with lawyers and legal actions, and naming like "take consequences" - sounds more like self entitled Kings and Queens speak speak as such; confident of having the assuring powers at their disposal beyond any doubts - giving order from the top above, down to their peasants, telling them to - obey !

A little bit of a WTF Moment there.

Really interesting how the common folks now also tend to behave more in line with Kings and Queens. It isn't the firs time either, i remember - as I only encountered people in the past to threaten me, who themselves wanted to hide sensitive aspects and near-criminal behavior rather to be hidden away from any kind of sunlight. Those are the one who love to speak out threats, already in advance feeling entitled to their rights in advance.

Not a pleasant development at large among society...

Threats do not deserve respect !


Yet in all that mess

there was one kind moment, still revealing that a higher human faculty has been present along the words of that letter i received today. Which by the way, in the Swedish language sounded really honest (sincere) to me - while in English it sounded more "formal".

“We have pondered of this a long time, and ask you kindly" (to remove the content)

Now that sincerity - and only that - is worth my respect.



There is quite some unclarity

left behind, when I think about it deeper... How far do people go ? What is their "property" they unclearly proclaim to be "theirs" ? Where does it start ? And where does it end ? When do we own thoughts, once they are written down ? Where are the boundaries going ? I did have an intimate past with Olof a long time ago. Are those who are alive after him, the owners of my thoughts, my images taking by free will (with Olof freely in it), as well written words, too ? Is "wrong always wrong" ? What if somebody censors your thoughts and written reflections... would you like that, too ?

I doubt that.

RUMI the Persian poet from the 13th century once stated:
"If you are irritated by every rub - how will you become polished ?"

How far do we go ?

I hope he (the man in the letter) or whomever claims also having "the right" of my memories (right and wrong) of Olof, which I sometimes write down - in my personal Diary... - which is and always has been during its total existence (since 1993, and 2000 on the internet, albeit hidden and not promoted nor connected to social media in any way) still A Personal Diary ! It isn't a frikking "outlet" for everyone to access. If google picks out a words out of my diary and context, who is to blame ? I never promote my Diary.

No exception.

Personal Diaries are legally filed under creative creations / freedom of speech. Unless of course they changed the Swedish laws during the latter years. It wouldn't surprise me. Nothing surprises me anymore.


Revisiting the past, and the people in it

- I do tend to reflect about the past, and those I lived with. Including O.T. when we were boyfriends. But also some fascinating confrontations with him (in the most positive meaning) much later on, in which O.T, showed a remarkable and frankly unexpected strength, many other people i have met, didn't have.

Together we eased and dissipated our former anger and conflicts, while good communication then took place instead - not many people these days can claim to stand tall though the first anger, and then realize that it is just puffs away, after both released their accumulated anger, (which often favors misunderstandings more than anything else). Once you go through that fog - good communication often comes though afterwards.

Today most people pee in their pants for any kind of confrontations - never even penetrating the fog of misunderstandings. Which leads to even more misunderstandings. And threats. And hate. And God knows what.

A really shitty immature development in my opinion. We rather threaten people, than to communicate ourselves through the ordeal, and get rid of the confusion and anger - and then really talk with one another. Listen and understand and get the point / perspective of the other part. That is the point, where respects grows.

Most people these days never even get there, it is that bad.

As I said; nowadays we rather threaten with the law the shit out of whomever our ego considers to be a perceived energy or threat. What is that ultimately ? A proclaimed enlargement of ego with help of the law. Or at least the attempt of underlining our ego argument. Like animals blow up their fur, in order to look larger and more dangerous in front of the enemy.

But what does that do with us ?


From time to time I revisit past memories

A Diary is - let's face it - self therapy. Those who are honest enough do know very well, how such things go... I mean look into your head... Some things in life, simply do create and store ambivalent memories, feelings and arguments. Whether we like it or not. It often goes on like that in the head (and in the prolonged version, also in how we write in our diaries).

You/One/We harbor sides for and against a person for all kinds of reasons. And sometimes it gets infected because you're in a new situation years later - but it somehow re-infects the old (perceived) scars. And it gets mixed up and - well unfortunately not any better, really. But that is the reality sometimes. Back and forth. Over time, however, I do see a sort of healing process going on. But it can take a long time. Certain issues can pop up over decades... and still stir around in our soul, emotions and written words.

In essence; it is a back and forth process. And when one is aware - it is a slow learning process. The goal by heart, is to mature. To seek insights. And to forgive - whoever who needs to be forgiven within our selves. And sometimes we have to forgive ourselves, too. Because we have been wrong. both against others as well towards ourselves.

I write a personal Diary in order to get air out of my head !


Ego vs Heart

Sometimes the ego takes over hand, and you write bitching comments. While other times, the heart sees clearer, and realizes that the ego is just doing its stupid thing (often insisting on its claims, you know) - and writing "stories". With "stories"I mean, all the versions of opinions we tend to have, sometimes determined, about other people; what they are, and what they are not. I call those the ego stories

People sometimes write or say "hateful things" - and we get lost in that on the outside.

Sometimes deep, deep down there is a voice, who still whispers "I love you" or "I miss you so much" - but the portal to that place, is filled to the brim with old tree trunks that have accumulated, e.g. all the ego stories told, re-told, and repeated... manifesting a thicker shell. Literally covering that little voice which - if it would be able to speak all by itself - would sound very different compared to the dominating ego, who is angry and with loud voice, rejects, judges and repels.

I often think about such things - because sometimes when my ego goes astray and i don't fetch it, but go its errands... - then i am not a lovely person !

The ego is quick to judge... and i am no exception. I wish I would be able to look though people deeply without me being touched by the harsh words, in order to really see - what it is in the core, it is really about. To look beyond all affects, to see what is really bugging deep within. I so would love that. And never go astray in the angry outside of people.

We do many stupid things. You guys, are no exception. It is part of the human aspect in us, but also part of the lessons we face in the interactions with other people; in good and in bad. We learn. Or let's just say; there is always the opportunity to learn, if one wants and dares to.

The ego loves to punish. and it loves self righteousness and entitlement. So, let's threaten somebody with legal actions. Lawyers. Punish. Punish. Punish. (Let's give a shit about real communication). It is funny. It is often only though honest communication we truly learn about other people's perspective, as we at the same time get to learn something about ourselves.

But - all this is nowadays excluded. People do no longer interact on that deeper level with one another. It seems more like, most people avoid it at all costs. So, we rather threaten other people, and put empathize behind our ego's mission with help of the law. Like a secure lifeboat, in the illusion of it ensures us, either some kind of protection from an assault or whatever goal we think we seek to achieve.


And then ?

Then there shall be peace ?

Do you honestly believe in that. Whom or whatever pain deep inside, that has latched onto what I once wrote on my homepage about Olof - will likely not vanish because I took away my homepage. That anger and pain will find new targets - with different details and dynamics, with something or somebody else.... because of whatever it is dwelling unprocessed deep within and unable or unwilling to actually in truth to communicate.

No. Instead we threaten somebody we think is an enemy, by sending a letter. 'Let's go to court, if the bitch from that homepage doesn't obey'. The law is on my side, clear cut, rest assured.

So simple, huh.

Now is it really ?



When a sister looses her beloved brother

way before his time... it is nearly incomprehensible. How do you even put that in words ?! I only met Olof's sister once, a very long time ago. Honestly don't know her at all, but understood via Olof 30 years ago - that they shared a very strong bond.

I can hear his voice even now, very clearly; that special dialect of his the way he rolled his words, and see his expression on his face, the way he moves his eyes - because I have a nearly photographic memory, which means everything is pretty much alive all the time inside of me, regardless time frame.

Olof loved his sister so very, very much ! I always knew that... though the sensation from within (like a strong awareness during the time when we were together, like a sort of "presence". His sister i believe represented an important anchor for Olof. OK, i am sure - and i say that with a smile - she also was a bit of a "Partner in Crime".

I mean, brother and sister... that can be a very special bond. In Germany you would say "somebody you can steal horses with". Symbolizing another human being - a "one of a kind". Those bonds are simply precious...


When I got to know about the sudden death

of O.T. last year - it chocked me deeply, and had for a long time a sort of dampening effect on me (on the inside). Albeit in my Diary, I realize that i connected that rather with a lot of anger. I got angry about that Olof lost his life, i felt as prematurely and something didn't feel right about it. I felt... gosh... like "that was not supposed to happen".

But instead of perhaps just writing about my emotions, i kind of went deep into other areas, being angry in certain areas - and not really talking clear in connection to Olof. Later I started to scan old negatives - and boy, everything becomes so super vivid, that... well, somehow it made me get lost. In old stories. There it is again.

Why is that ? Why do I repeat those stories ? Was it a way to be "close to him" - in a sort of twisted way ? Perhaps it what like that. Every photo has a story... and i remember everything, especially when the photos emerge anew. So, my question has to be... why not be open about an emotion - as such - and skip the rest; e.g. all the stories from a very long time ago.

They do not - in truth, serve any purpose. Not really. Not truly. So yeah. My frikkin Personal Diary here is... and endless Self therapy, it seems.

I see it as a "close room" albeit with a door slightly held open, but not promoted for others to come in here, with big bright floodlights all over the place.


My first thought about Olof's death

was his sister. Even if I never mentioned this here. She came first to mind. I couldn't imagine the pain in her - because nobody expects a brother to part from life at an early age of 59. How do you form words about something like that ? Is that even possible ?

How do you cope with somebody that stands very close to your heart? It is already hard on people who are not too sensitive by nature, when somebody in the family suddenly dies.

But when the person is a sensitive by heart, it is absolutely overwhelming. With the feeling of something essential having suddenly been cut off, cut out of you... How do you even process something that ? (Yeah I know, other people have gone though that and gotten over it. But it just isn't really that simple - and far from it - plus it ain't helping either. Not really). It is more like you don't get over it - you learn to live with it. And that takes a lot of time (usually).

What I do understand is

that what I (had written earlier) in my Diary about Olof and his sudden death ... certainly wasn't welcome. I can fully understand that it from the perspective of (for example) his sister. The premature death of Olof was and is already a nightmare difficult enough to cope with - so there is no need from my side to pour "salt" into the wounds with my speculations / assumptions and all the personal fuzz.

I get that.

It was not intention from my side to hurt - because the really important thing is - whatever I wrote - it didn't make things better. Plain and simple.

If healing is in truth the honest reason behind this situation with the letter I just received - then I do not stand in the way. Everybody needs to heal, because the loss of a dear brother is... difficult enough even trying to put words on it.

I fully respect that - and removed all content revolving Olof's death.




Photography of him, will likely appear again in the future here in my Diary - albeit without any associations. That way, he will represent just him as the beautiful looking man he was (which he was !) without the need of associating him with any of my personal stories.

Note: Those images have been made by free will, with Olof's free will, and under the umbrella of our relationship as boyfriends back in the days. They legally under my copyright as photographer !

I will respect his memory - showing the best of him (without fuzz) - and that is a promise.

Page 30 • (2024)