I am not sure what happened. Somewhere in the beginning of June, i stopped dealing / writing in my Diary here. I got so tired of myself the way i write in English. And the everlasting repetition of weather prognosis, which flip-flopped every day from one extreme to the next. With no high-season summer wasn't in the card.

It was in that regard a weird summer (until around 20 July) - with a very few very warm days (26-29°C) - but the rest appeared more like a stream of ever lasting, unsteady, unreliable and sort of "off" days. Summer, but not that real summer.

I got bored - and didn't want to waste any further words about stupid AI-weather prognosis charts - because they where "poof" already after 12-24 hours, anyway. So why wasting energy ?

My issue with English language writing 'skills'

That way, i trailed off from my Diary, and never found my way back to write more. I mean after all - my English is just not elevated. It is simply, repetitive, and contains a lot of uncommon expressions. Meaning; I can't really write in good English.

And that sucks, to say the least.

My senses, the feeling of rhythm in words, their and melody, strengths and weaknesses - are present. I can hear and read the differences. What is good and not so good. Like when I read an English book, i can tell, when the writer has this amazing kind of language skills, where the words and expressions flow in such an intelligent way... that it ALMOST like an orgasm.

But it don't seem to be able to look beyond my local horizon, when it comes to my own writings here in my Diary. It all just feels so flat God what else weird and boring. It is like not being able to climb up above my local horizon... walking beyond.

I find my language skills extremely frustrating. Even if I constantly encourage myself to learn new words. Also; when i read texts - i often do look then up to learn more. But my writing skills are bottom - like a young man/teenager writing in his diary. Nothing wrong with that. But I happen to be 60, and not 23.

*rolling my eyes*

Where do I belong, age wise ?!

Which too, feels totally weird. Because I neither look, feel nor act like that. Whenever my colleagues get to know that i am 60 - they just look at me with big eyes. I then usually "Don't worry, i get there anyway - you'll see". My goal is not to defy actual age and looks - that would be utmost stupid - and besides that; a fight against reality by only 100%.

Yet - in real life, i seem to trail behind 10-12 years .... (and I have been doing that for decades) in about almost every aspect of life.

Which ultimately ... is OK. We all have a place on this earth, in all kinds of possible and impossible ways, in good and in bad - otherwise we wouldn't be here. And our spirit would a long time decided, that it is time to release this physical shell for a new adventure. Everything in its time, I guess.

Unsettled when i think about my Diary

Yet, I do feel highly unsettled about my language skills in my Diary. BOOOORING !!!! As if no development ever takes or have taken place. Well that IS frustrating. Asking my self, what the heck are you (still) doing Ralf ?! To what purpose ? I repeat almost everything (?), like a "dusty" person or something like that. One who doesn't change, one who doesn't develop.

Or so it seems

Most things go on, on my inside. Lots of data crunching, lots of balancing pro and contra emotions, thoughts, and analysis... Given how crazy the world has become, and is ruled by extreme sociopaths, often showing their worst, glossed over with such hollow words, phrases and other bullshit. While pulling the skin over people's faces.... and wallets.

Inside vs Outside

There is a lot of reasoning, reflecting and processing going on inside of me - and that i don't really write so much about. I bitch a lot sometimes - but i don't really describe what REALLY is going on, or where it is leading me. So, there you have a huge discrepancy between the written Diary-Ralf, and the real Inner-Ralf. Yesterday, I told Sal . that i felt frustrated about how futile my verbal language was in comparison to what was inside of me. That it felt highly limiting trying to express myself verbally in English - because I sounded so incredibly simply, weird and "chopped". In the mean time, also my Swedish Language skills in expressions, have declined. I have three language in my head, and i use them excessively constantly. But it creates a weird mix now, where i often have to search for the right word, in the right language, when i talk. Which created all these breaks in my language flow.

Other people show similar effects

It is like my head is in all places at the same time, which does create a sort of "chopped word flow", when i try to express myself verbally. But I am not alone. I also heard this from other colleagues at work, who constantly read and listen to English, while their their native Swedish language skills start to suffer from it. They sometimes have to search for the right word, but it doesn't come as easily as it used to...

Trailing off

I trail off my diary in a sort of silent disagreement / conflict. Until I am back again. And what else isn't new.... usually when I come back with..... ta-daaa... another new lens.

How frikkin' predictable, isn't that ?

Oh, speaking about age.

When I make self portraits - i do notice of course that I am getting older - especially around the eyes it is (in my view) most visible. While still looking Ralf-like, meaning that you can recognize me as an older version of Ralf.

But most of my attempts to raise the camera against my face for a selfie... shows that the tolerances has decreased considerably. Most selfies i do, look just soooooo... oh my god, no thanks.

I mean, in order to get a nice looking "Ralf-photo", it takes a while to get it right. Which means, most of the time, I just erase them. Only a few see some daylight. (I find selfies to be a strange invention - because it is mainly for the younger ones. When older do the same - it just looks sometimes so.... tacky. Kind of silly. Not to mention that it almost always looks soo predictable as well narcissistic, when i watch other people's selfies. And a bit a mix of desperation (= the harvest of other people's energies).

Yes, I do have, and always had conflicting emotions regarding self portraits. 25-30 years ago, when it all started - my aim was always to take selfies without that they look like selfies. Which means, as if somebody else took a photo of me.

Sal took a nice photo of me the other day

Anyway, Sal did take a nice looking photo of me, when i invited him to a German restaurant here in Stockholm, at Fridhemsplan. Like 30 years ago i rediscover one thing; it is actually fun when other people take a photo. Because they always look a bit different, compared to when I take (took) images of myself. So, I appreciate that a lot. It frees the narcissistic mind, in my opinion. Instead; looking through the eyes of others.

Which is nice. Liberating. Different.

Ralf with an Aventinus, Stockholm-Fridhemsplan • 3 Aug 2025

It is a nice photo of me

the type i basically never can do myself. The photo shows a Ralf, that is pretty much "typically Ralf", regardless age, recognizable as such over the decades.

That makes me smile.

I mean do you remember when you were a young teenager early 80s, and thought of "In year 2000.... oh my God, I am going to be so old". I still remember that very moment when I had that thought. Back in Berlin, in my room, looking towards the little shelf with stuff on. "In 2000 i will be 34 years old...". It gave me very weird feelings in my stomach, unsure what to feel about that.

Well, newsflash. It is 2025, and i am almost 60. Year 2000 is now like ancient history; 25 years past.

So, there is that. In other words; Totally weird, to say the least.

'Time' is strange, isn't it ?

Sometimes... time feels almost like a construct; something that is far more fluid, way more erratic and pretty illogic compared to what meets the physical eye and the indoctrinated (learned) mind had to offer.

That from within, time is so fluid, that it appears to violates our common physical laws.

Definitely food for thoughts, revolving our physical existence vs our spirit existence. Talk about living a highly veiled existence.

Also; it seems to me, that the veil of obstruction is gradually thinning...

Like that of matrix.