I trailed off...

It was May 2005 - 20 years ago.

Naturally, I would now use the Canon EOS 1D Mark II a lot on my subway colleagues *grin*. Many , many, many portraits though the years. PArtially on the fly - which always been tricky to do because you often only got seconds - then the train leaves again.

It was fun. It was challenging. Ralf as usual, always with a lot of laughter, smiles and sparks in the eyes - taking pictures of colleagues. I became the guy who always runs around with a camera. It was when I didn't have a camera, my colleagues would react !!

Past memories

I realize, that during this divorce time getting finalized in May 2005 - I suddenly bump into all the former lovers (below). Or so it seems. After all, I haven't really revisited the images after 20 years - and now realize that there seem to be a period, where the "old ones" all pop up. Was it me ? What it them ? People which i sometimes had not seen for 10 years.

Hurrk - it WAS a confusing time. The longer i go through the images of 2005, it hits me every time anew; the chaotic feelings, the erratic rise and fall of emotions. That when I "dwell" longer in old images, it somehow spoils or drains my energy level inside of me today.

I would rather just enjoy the images, without too many emotions. And yet, it is always an interesting journey. I rather do it, than not. Even with the iffy feelings that emerge if i spend too many hours in my photo archive. I

The Pfizer experience - never again !!

Which sounds a bit strange wanting to look at photos without too many personal emotions attached / or reawakened.

It is - let's face it, also a contradiction; because if i can't feel emotions - then that would be very, very strange. What would images be worth, without any movement in the heart ?

I remember once when I took some Pfizer shit (it was i think summer 2006). The pills were supposed to make you quit smoking easier. I have never felt so strange in my whole life; as if somebody cut off my emotions. The angry thoughts where still there - but there was a weird gap between my head and my heart/emotions. As if there was a layer of nothingness inbetween emotions and me. It made me feel totally unreal. Not myself. Kind of fake. Not normal.

I hated it, because it felt instinctively unnatural and false.

To cut off feelings like that - was once you actually experience - totally aweful. In a sneaky way. Theoretical it sounds cool.

In reality, however, it was aweful. Like you are some kind of drone being.

Almost as if "the removal of self !"

I quit that pill shit after 10 days, and never looked back. It felt as if somebody was tinkering with my head, feelings and identity. The removal of self !

Then i rather choose the chaotic emotions, any emotions, by living them through until they start to abate over time. Which they do. And in the mean time, you learn from it. In all kinds of ways - even if the answers may not always be present to you right away. It comes later.

I am sure that the Pfizer shit was something that went / affected the brain. (I believe it has something to do with the nicotine receptors being occupied) But there might have been more to the story... Pfizer is after all, the most fraudulent Big Pharma company in the world - already back then - who collected most punishment fees of them all, due to false advertising and criminal charges etc. Did you know that those punishment fees are already included in the Prices of Big Pharma's products ? They count on it - by baking it into the prices of their fraudulant products.

That was in 2005.

Go figure 2021, when everybody ran after the modRNA Covid injections. 22 billion injections worldwise. How insane isn't that ?

I think the anti-smoking pills I took in 2006 where originally a psyche drug. But was then marketed as an anti-smoking drug, after they discovered that it helped people to quit smoking. You felt absolutely nothing by inhaling the cigarette smoke... Which too was a totally weird experience.

Never again !