Sal & I

had an interesting talk about e.g. pattern recognition. You know when people do all kinds of things, but if you look at a single event or oddity - you can't figure out what it is about, or what it means. And yet, it is part of a larger pattern in people who are of the types who calculate, create intrigues as well are so selfish in their orientation, that they sacrifice or use people as tool whenever it fits into their purposes and desires (or whatever).

There are always patterns emerging in one or the other way. The art is to see the signs - and also i feel, not to judge prematurely. Because it does take time, to see pieces merging into patterns. I am not particularly interesting in false interpretations, because what good can come out of such. Nothing positive, in my opinion.

I rather sit low, continue in a contact - until when everything suddenly comes clear - i hit decidedly and hard. Plus that i got the energy built-up in the very end stage - which gives me ability to overcome my own cowardliness (the desire to duck or to just eat the shit inside of me, without ever acting on the outside). I know my weaknesses. I also know my strength, and how they can be wheeled - despite my weaknesses and shortcomings in my personality and psyche.

Requirements

My main guideline is to stay honest. To myself, as well to others. The primary engine in being honest to others, is the very requirement and courage, to be deeply honest to your self ! Which must include the dark spots and characters that bob around deep in the darker corners of your being. If you deflect, deny or shut your eyes to everything dark in yourself, you will be prone to feel like a victim in situations and circumstances, without seeing your own doings in the whole, which is created by at least two people. And you would get prone to always blame others, without ever looking deep inside of yourself, what's going on there...

By illuminating the dark spots inside, understanding their existence, their interactions inside you, as well towards the outside in real life, towards others - you learn about many aspects of yourself. And sure - they certainly are not that pleasant to discover. Yet at the same time you acknowledge them and learn their places - generating choices at your disposal, along the road of understanding the good and bad stuff in you / and in others.

You become less victim of your own fallacies, programmed narratives and in-learned self-evaluations.

Given choices - instead of victim-hood

You are gradually and accordingly, given choices over time - because you learned about your weaknesses and strengths. You also get to learn a lot more about why people do stupid or evil stuff, or the manipulations. Usually, we have them too, deep inside, you know. But how can you tell, when you never ponder or self-reflect upon your own dark spots ?!

In order to have somewhat a sense of those, you need to be very honest to yourself, in order to see your own (potential) dark shit. You get answers according to the level of your honesty about yourself. And here I don't mean to do judgments. Be an observer which from a bird perspective looks upon yourself, without any evaluation... you just LOOK and you just OBSERVE. Without intent.

That is how you learn.

Trigger Mechanisms

That way, you become a more free person - where you can choose, and less become a victim of your own limitations, and pre-programs "going off by default". The automatic, in-learned trigger mechanism become less easily triggered. (But you will still encounter them, so don't give up - happens to anyone, still).

I am not saying these limitations magically disappear - no, they don't. The old stripes from the past - they remain. But you can choose, as you learn to know yourself in truth. That way, you don't stay imprisoned to the first or second impulses, hanging there. It develops further, and then elevates to a level, where you can access our free will choices. All of the sudden, you become a more independent person - and don't need others as an excuse for your choices or actions.

No regrets.

When i became friend with a colleague at work 1 year ago - whatever I did top support her, and to invite her for dinners and café visits - i did it because i truly wanted.

And you see - i have no regrets about it. Why ? Because it doesn't feel to me that I've been scammed or used. I made the choice, because i wanted it. Therefore I do not feel a loss - at least not in any serious way. (Nor did i lock myself up too much to her in that regard).

The problem is when you happiness becomes too dependent on the good humor and whereabouts to another person. When we become a sort of ... well there is it again; sucker for the other part.

Retro perspective

I truly enjoyed our collaboration, when we did light paintings, introducing her to unusual things you don't see normally in daily life. To stimulate others to do something completely different. I enjoyed every single minute of it. And it seems she enjoyed it too - at least in the beginning. Then, she shifted - and everything felt more like a pretense. But at that stage I had already stopped involving her with light paintings - maybe because i had a hunch, even it wasn't all conscious. Something was off - and i didn't lock myself up to involve her in any further creative stuff. Well, and then the mine / bomb went off anyway. Changing scene into the total opposite.

Spilled milk ? Nope.

I do not cry for spilled milk. Curiously not at all, this time. I guess periods during decades of inner fights, longing and deepest sorrow - kind of whore out over time, as the mature and more experienced Ralf evolved. I am certainly not free from errors. But I have learned - and shown - in my marriage to Sal - that i am and stay truthful. I never even once used anything like manipulation, dirty tricks or mind-games in order to get my will though towards Sal. Nor have i used lies and deceptions in any kind of way or form.

It does pay off. As you use more of "Serve to Others" - it is in truth, also benefiting you. But the difference is, that it doesn't use/misuse substance, energy or means from others, just for the sake to benefit you, and you alone.

"Self to Self" (STS)

Surely i do from time to time harbor "Self to Self" thoughts. Quite often i can identify such impulses. But my actions are different in that regard. To identify the origin of a thought, and it's purpose and "color" - i do these inner, silent "radar sweeps". The echoes that come back, as wordless "resonances", tell me a story about where a thought comes from, what it wants, and what the purpose is. It tells me, if it is selfish, or something grown by heart on a reasonable level. It again, gives me plenty of choices to act and re-act by free will.

It is quite a difference compared to let's say 20, 30 and 40 years ago. Back then I used to say two things several times:

1) i felt like a half human being, something essential like love was missing, and kept on missing.
2 ) I felt as if my entire life was like bobbing around on a vast ocean, aimlessly drifting.

Back then as a young man, in the 80s and 90s in Sweden - i did feel like that. (it even continued into 2010 but got a little bit less later in the mid 2010s)

I thought life was very confusing.

Despite my beauty, and temperament mixed with calmness - lots of deeper thoughts, and a highly active, vivid appearances at times... deep down i just got more and more sad and disillusioned. Not that it would made me to give up - but it didn't make me that hopeful about life either.

So, i continued to "drift", and was - as strange as it may sound - opened up to whatever unexpected came into my way. Which was both good and bad - because i got the shit. And sometimes the shit looked, sounded and felt nice. I also was far too easily giving my heart away - starved for love as i was since early childhood.

Yeah, I was a very strange odd figure with many extremely opposite characteristics and contradictions - yet fully real and present at the same time - albeit like a paradox. I had and perhaps still have (?) many paradoxes living side by side in me. Yet, as i grew older, they actually can serve me well. Against; more free will choices instead of acting out of a sense of being controlled or not having any choices at all.

What is the best thing i know about myself: I am genuine.

There is no secondary, dual playing Ralf

I smile because my heart smiles. I get angry, because my mind is angry. I don't take out bad attitude on others, because i happen to have slept badly or want to react myself off on somebody else. I don't manipulate people in order to get benefits. And so on. I think all that, is low level grad bullshit. We've got enough of that - and don't need more.

When somebody asks me of something - i am plain honest. I don't play somebody or something, because it feels uncomfortable and alienating to myself. (Which means I have absolutely no actor skills - and would flee like from pestilence to stand in front of a camera acting a roll. The thought gives me dread).

Even in times when the answer might not be charming, I will be honest. I don't answer towards a person, just to make her feel good, because her mindset is wired that way to receive certain colored compliments for self consumption. I am not into people faces, spraying my opinions constantly to the left and right. So, i keep my thoughts and emotions, and act politely most of the time. I don't keep myself back (after some delay), if a person acted like a plain asshole and is deserved to be shown some serious boundaries.

People need boundaries !

Many adults fail in this regard today. By that, they also fail themselves deeper down. on the inside of their souls.

I know, it isn't always so wise, to RE-act sometimes more than necessary - and could sometimes benefit from just keeping calm. But despite me having worked on that for like 50 years - it never held any fruits of success, other than in very, very few instances.

I don't walk around yelling at people, by the way. I don't take out things on people unless there is a very good, well founded reason, them either lying blatantly - or using manipulative mind-games in order to achieve something particularly in their greed for power, domination or some other benefit they think they are entitled to.

That does not work with me - at all.

When the internet was still young:

(1999-2005) I never liked the idea to keep separate different accounts when the internet was young; People kept one profile for sex contacts, and another one to be the "serious profile" for serious contacts. I always thought, this was stupid - kind of complicated roundabout mainly just encouraging for people to have a sort of double morale... I kept it simple, because my life and life itself felt complicated enough:

Therefore; exactly like the person behind, my profile was; all in one under the same root.

Take it or leave it.