My takes on a secret desire of "owning" hunks

As pretty they are, stunning to look at, innocent to talk to - I never had the desire wanting to "own" them, or steal some of their energy, or wanting to be close to them all the time. I don't really have such desires, because... what the fuck... You don't in truth "own" a person, no matter how much you want him or her. And when you do - it fucks up over time. It always does.

I often wondered about us gay guys, totally filled with shit in our heads, of other muscular, big dicked guys, one more attractive than the other, and we all kind of "yearn" to have a boyfriend like that ? Yeah, well, and what then ? If you "catch" a guy like that - how long do you think you can keep him ? The issue of Ego clutching often emerges.


You are FOUR in ONE relationship;

TWO hearts, and TWO egos - under the same roof, so to speak.

So, when one guy looks like a super hunky dude, with everything we desire (e.g. have been taught - often without thinking about it - via Internet sex sites, etc) to be attracted to... then how can you even be with a oversized ego like that - as most super dudes do have quite the ego ? Not to mention our own ego also comes into play; as being the one who harbors the strong desire to get "best in test" dudes - like borrowed feathers to show off. And the hungry eyes always looking for something better, more attractive, more muscular... then you too, have an oversized ego. That makes it two egos big like a house. A big ego can also hide behind a weak "loving" ego... because "you just want to be loved", or "I deserve a hunky guy, who... does this, that, is this, is that, and so on".

There are many versions, behind seemingly innocent desires, dreams, thoughts and values we harbor. you may be a tolerant person, as long you have to work for your goal to get a wonderful boyfriend - but that does not by automatic make a wonderful person - because once you have that great guy.... I wonder... how is it going then ? Still hungry. Or not satisfied because the other one isn't doing what you desire him to do ?

We can go great lengths in the search for love or "love". Many hidden aspects of our darker personality, doesn't emerge until "you are there, and have that awesome guy". When things then don't go well - we encounter many nasty aspects, both of the other persons as well in our selves. You might want to learn more about it in depths. And no, it isn't always the other guys fault.

You are in it, too. Be sure of that.


You cannot 'own' a person

(he is "mine"). No matter how big his dicks is, how large the muscles are, or how devastating good looking the guys is. You can be with them, mingle with them, live with him, share with him, as he may do with you - but ultimately - you can not own him/her/them.

Also a feeling in which we feel like we are not enough, lack this or that, can easily contribute over time, that we start to show strange characters coming up from our deeper realm of personality. Things we didn't even think we were capable to feel/do/say.

Be mindful. But watch yourself, what rises... it can give you clues.

Making a super guy into the boyfriend, the object of your desire - there will be power, party and fireworks. But over longer time... I wonder if that will work ? You better have all your ducks spiritually and psychologically in the row, to understand what I am trying to point out here...

I mean it, seriously.


When I was in Lisbon

and met those incredible handsome guys... i was just startled, that a guy who looks like a super model of handsomeness and masculinity... would be so free from all attitudes. So, for me it was like a journey, to enjoy what is - and I was not trying to "grab" or "hold" the guys, as the objects of my desire.

Whenever I tried to "hold them" (through secret desire, not outspoken) - and I am not talking about Lisbon but in general, I always failed. You cannot keep a guy or person, for your own purposes. It is as stupid like dogshit, to aim at it. But we people do not always understand that we can harbor such desires. They can be masked, or hide behind a longing, yearning desire, combined with beautiful thoughts. But sometimes this can mask your darker aspects of personality deeper down.

Sometimes it comes out, when things go wrong - and basically, though projection on your partner, revealing your own nasty sides....

Been there. Done that.

That is how we learn. Or let's say; that is how we are given the opportunity to lean - but that doesn't say, you will learn. Sometimes we do the same shit 10 times over, and 10 times we blame on our partners to be the primary culprit.... before we get a true glimpse of that the shit that "happens", is intimately connected to the shit we still harbor in ourselves.

Well there are thousands nuances, different details in those "life stores" - how they all comes about. It's not an exact copy of each other - but thens to have repeating themes in our lives, in which we encounter certain kind of problems and appearances / manifestations of problems, over and over again. And they repeat as long until we by the roots, have understood the deeper lessons...

They are usually anchored in ourselves, and less in the objects of our desire. We tend to blame it on others, and may even have strong reasons to do so - but there is always an important lesson attached that only can be understood though the inner works of our own personality. For which you have to dig down deeper, in order to glimpse the dynamics there, and how problems arise when we are together with other people.

It's really fascinating. But also quirky at times. I felt quite often, some things could take decades until I started to see patterns, or understood that the problems on the surface with others, also had a strong components that was only Ralf. That it somehow got repeatedly got reactivated without I understood why. Or why we make strange choices when it comes to relationships, or how we get attracted by certain types, without fully understanding that there is a lot more to that story ! Sometimes those are stories almost "deliberately" put in our way (our ego "helps" us a lot in that), to make us stumble "in the same shit" (but also to learn lessons though life, about ourselves, about others, about life itself).

The choice is free. It is always free will. You can make 50 mistakes, or you learn your lesson. There is no rule that when you encounter problems, you will learn. You may for many different reasons refuse to learn, or refuse to look in deeper, or being satisfied to keep the blame on others - and then you move on as if nothing ever happened. Lesson not learned, but apparently we have the free will to do so, too.

And we do, quite often.

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