It is actually fun to show the few images I have of my parents, e.g. my father and my stepmother, done through my camera and lens.

I wonder though... did I make images of my parents, when Per-Olof and I visited them again in 1992 ?! (And why can't i remember any images from Berlin ?!) How weird, isn't that ?

1990, and 1992 are the only times I have met my parents as an adult after i left for Sweden in 1984 - after i went to an orphanage in 1982. So, i basically run away from the home of my parents in Berlin Schöneberg, back in Dec 1981/Jan 1982.


1992 was by far the most fun

as well genuinely super relaxed and warm in the contacts. And perhaps the only time in my life, i actually liked my parents just as they were. I remember that i wished they would have stayed , us all together, instead of taking off to Croatia 10 days (while Per-Olof and I would live alone in their home. I can't even understand that they, out of nowhere, gave us that trust !!!). I really couldn't understand it.

Gosh, Per-Olof and I even got to sleep in their bed while they were away. To me their bedroom always was a sort of... well that was their intimate room, and i can't remember them ever having offered somebody to sleep there...

1992 was the year, in which my parents truly surprised me, how warm they were - when they wanted. I never thought it would be remotely possible to share a nice contact like that. Well, it was really special - in 1992, I mean.


Back to... well the same shit

Then in 1993, it returned to the same old story; lies, more lies and damn more lies.

So, I wrote my father a letter, i believe in the beginning of 1994, and told him, that I don't need that in my life. This is not the kind of contact I wished to or with my parents. It is their choice, not mine.

And I never looked back.

My father died around 1999 in the age of 61. My stepmother could in theory still be alive, but would be 76 by now... and god knows, if she with her issues, could have survived 3 shots of the experimental genetic injections... I doubt that.

We lost contact after year 2009.


Strange... but I have no bad feelings

Looking at my father, makes me smile. I don't feel any bad things about him, or my step mother. I carry the many very dark memories, but also (think) that I can see them as they were. They were no evil people, just very self occupied, and egoistic - and there a son, had no true place in their lives. It's just how they were when I was young - and it did destroy a lot for me. But today, as an adult, and after decades of homework about myself, my past, and my presence... including all the problems in relationships... I simply don't feel bad feelings about them.

I can of course open a package of a specific time, reconnect to emotions and memories, and even get angry or upset - but not because I am angry at them, or hate them. It is more the effect of reconnecting to a time capsule, and telling how i felt back then. I know memories through emotions by heart, and less by words. Like a time travel. But it does not represent how i feel about, in this case, my parents. It is just an echo, a old cassette being replayed. When it ends - the emotions are gone and I am at ease.

Quite an achievement, given how horrible things were almost all the lengths of my childhood. But being 56 now... well, that is in a way a blessing. Because my life actually took place, way longer than what I was back then. Therefore the record has endlessly many more traces graved into - creating a larger part of my life, compared to my childhood length.

Fascinating it is - and finally honestly being able to say; i like my parents - for what they were. I don't forget, but I don't see them in only a dark light. I can now especially, see other features, who also were part of them. I hear and sense that vibration literally inside of me, for example when I look at pictures. And that is no illusion. It is more like a much more richer way of receiving and translating information.

Back then, a large part of me would always be so deeply upset, if it was anything about my childhood, or images of my parents. And in me, there always was this pressure - I have to tell. But boy, it also was tedious to write about it - and in that - I often got so lost. Overwhelmed by the emotions...

1990 was the beginning of perhaps one of the worst times in my life... albeit it did start good, creative, and new people came into my life. But then it all tumbled down in a lot of drama... whereby 1991 was the culmination of the deepest depression I had ever known in June 1991.

But... I don't feel any urges to tell. I can tell snippets here and there. But the desire to tell my life story, really has passed quite a long time ago.


It is a bit strange, to think...

I am now 28 years older, than my real mom ever was when she decided to take her life at 28 years of age. I am 5 years younger than my father was, when he died. I am as old as my grandmother Elfriede when she in 1977 was 56 years old. I I met her back then in the age of 12 in 1977 - Only once I was allowed to visit her - then my parents forbade me ever to visit her again. Why ? Because when I came back to Berlin, i asked my father questions. And that was a total taboo... It actually always has been. I can't remember my father ever been honest about anything regaridng my real mom.

Well anyway.


That bulky Pergandé nose - well it ain't mine

My father has the typical Pergandé nose, like his mother Helene had, too. I never got it. I seem to be more like my grandmother in so many ways. Albeit I have seen images of myself at a beach in south Sweden back in 1997, where I suddenly recognized my father body in my own - having some similarities.


He was 52 years old. I am 56 now... *ooops*

Oh, during my first trip to Berlin in Aug 1990, I have a few images in which my father sits without a shirt, upper body naked. So, he was 52... and barely any hanging tits ! Unfortunetaly, I do have a bit "hanging tits" in the age of 56, because with 93 kg i am a bit over the top in weight.

So, my father beat me there a tiny bit *LOL* It was meant as a joke. I happened to fall down to 87 kr when I was 52... and the "hanging tits dissapeared", and so did the little belly - but unfortunately, I didn't keep it that way.

And that's a good thing, because when I feel really sexy (by being slimmer, also younger looking), i tend to tease Sal extra much *LOL* Now we share the same features: both have love handles on our hips... so the competition is very even... despite Sal having silver hair, while I barely have any.

But we both got "a couple kilos extra" - kind of still dreaming about when we where more "fit". Hahaha. *grin*

Isn't it nice, to be able to talk about the past, with such ease, and without pulling out the drama cards ? I love this, because it is genuine. And I have done my work for so many decades - that it really feels nice, to be able to stay such a thing. There was a time, i tohught I would always be "a half human being", never fully healing.

I was wrong. It is always possible, but can take some time, and effort. But don't give up - and don't push it over the edge either. A lifelong life, gives opportunities to deal with the things that weight on our shoulders... And you can build it away over time. Here also ages plays a nice roll, in that we often become a bit calmer - wihch really helps a lot, i think !

- 110 -