I have been dreading to write about Tekki's passing away.

It's not even been 48 hours since her passing... I also didn't sleep for 30 hours, but finally got good sleep this morning - and it felt a little bit better. Until of course... when the memories came back, connected through the heart - there is was again; this intense kind of burning sensation in the heart - the loss of Tekki's presence... and the images of what happened.

I know, I know - it is the natural course of things. But like with the sinking of the Titanic, you can give very different descriptions to one and the same event.

I have never lived with an animal becoming a deep connected member of the family. I had never seen nor experience the loss of a beloved animal NOR human being - because they always died in a far away distance.


that was a first time experience in my life ...

I have never experience how a being fades away... what that looks and feels like, witnessing the passing. It was deeply heartfelt - and chocking, because I slept, and Sal all of the sudden ran into the bedroom, saying "Wake up Ralf, Tekki can't breathe. She can't breathe!!" And there she was, exactly like in the photo - and already fading.

Only her body made three last attempts to breathe, but her heart didn't support that. Her eyes didn't react anymore, and the little tip of her tail, went down. (Sal told me the story which unfolded a half hour before, and especially the last 10 minutes, when her body frantically tried to breath heavily, so her belly would move heavily... but she didn't get air. I assume that her heart was weak and now went into an erratic, fading rhythm, but the lungs couldn't get air any more.

I will not tell the story of what Sal told me the minutes what happened before. I feel like I don't even want to write about it, at the same time I do want to write about it - and have ambivalent feelings. It is still very heart felt. it sits still deeply in my heart, especially in moments of silence, when I do nothing... the grief is all there. (Kind of strange, it reminds me, feels like in essence, like the emotions after the separation with Perry back in 2004/05).


Passing away nobly

Tekki passed away in the most elegant way you can imagine. With that I mean, she never needed a doctor, and she transitioned into the afterlife in the most beautiful" way. Many animals get sick when they come closer to death. People do all kinds of things and procedures until they finally pass.

Tekki just fade away super fast. In the morning we played and laughed. I hugged her gently, while Sal and I were talking about her. She was playing with her Palla in the classic Tekki way, which is a special way how she juggles the boll with her two paws, holding the boll in the air. It is hilarious, and utterly sweet. And she did that on the same morning, before I went to bed later.

I've never been so deeply attached to an animal - boy did she grow in my heart - it is unbelievable. And one thing feels comforting: real pet owners with heart - TOTALLY understand the feeling, and the grief. And now I finally understand the deeper underpinnings of what it is like to loose a beloved animal. They are in truth, true family members. They are also part of the same soul family.


A teacher

And Tekki truly was. Boy did she teach me things... by just being the special being she was, I started to understand, respect, her kind of communication - realizing how MUCH she actually communicated. She also became a mirror, a sort of reflection on my own lesser sides. A kind of reminder in the ways where I still lack discipline or deeper compassion.


The higher intelligence of creation

That's also why I do not only see her as a dog, but also as a being, an entity. (under all the typical layers of typical dog behavior, I mean). There is a deeper dignity, which is a bit difficult to explain or put finger onto... but has a breath of... a higher level of being. Which however is ruled by far more stringent rules of 2D (Density) physical laws, in life as an animal - so, the expressions are always limited through the "cage" of being a dog or a cat.

But you can sometimes in moments sense a "silent" higher intelligence behind. I don't mean how she performed tasks "intelligently" or "stupid". I mean the sense behind what the eye can see - I could sometimes spot something which shows traces of a higher intelligence. So, with Tekki, too.

I had this sensation several times with her. Like a silent kind of "higher intelligence", but usually can't be expressed because a dog is a dog in most things a dog does. That's why it is so difficult to "pinpoint" what it is i mean with "higher intelligence".

She was truly loved. And I believe she had a good life. Since she landed in Stockholm (coming from Sicily), Tekki and I were really wild, with many jokes and all kinds of gestures. I played a lot more with her than Sal did. And we laughed many, many countless times... with a sense of joy and love, believe me.

Personality of her own

And of course, she also had a personality, which defined what she liked and disliked. When respect towards her was violated/crosses, vs when she approved. It is really interesting to learn how to find a good balance with her. That way, she was my teacher ! I got to learn from her !!

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