(I wrote this into my unpublished iPhone Diary, a few hours after Tekki passed away)


Her life had just faded away

I took after Tekki had stopped responding, her body was all calm, no more breathing... It felt strange to take photos - and yet, it is the only photo, which goes straight into my heart... She looks so endlessly cute in a beautiful and vulnerable kind of way... I didn't dare to take any photo together with Sal, I am just not the kind of guy.

So during this time, Sal went to Agneta to ask what to do with the dog, and ultimately got to borrow a shovel...


Her heart gave up

she or her body still tried to gasp for air, but with larger intervals. And then she was dead. With open eyes, still with shine. But when her nose started to get colder minutes after, it hit me. Tekki was dead.

Sal had woken me up out of sleep and said - "Tekki can’t breathe!!". She was gasping and two minutes, later, all movements where gone. Her eyes were half open...

I am at work in the depot and realize how deep the sorrow is sinking in, much larger and deeper than i would have thought. Realizing also how special she was as a spirit being - which i always felt during her life time, that she had such noble ways in moments - like a higher being (she was of course also all dog and everything that is typical dog). But there was a higher quality to her soul deeper inside, which i many times felt was striking. Something i was able to sense - and every time it struck a cord in my own soul.

We had played in the morning and she did her beautiful palla thing, while on her back lofting the boll with both her paws. Sal and i watched her. So beautiful. So beautiful.

Here is a video from Feb 2022, when she played with her Palla on her back.

The witnessing of dying

I have never experienced another being's transition from alive living into gradually dying. It is the first time.

I so miss her endlessly much. I can feel her body. The gestures when you caress her over the head, give her a kiss or hug, - or she listens/stands still when you put your lips against her head and speak gently to her... or play wildly - which we did - in so many funny ways. I can still feel that sensation out of memory because she was still alive yesterday morning and it is so close, so vivid.

Boy has she been a beloved being in our family. It is difficult to put in words how i feel, and the strings it touches. As if the grief enables other channels and branches. To all those who felt grief over a beloved being, suddenly becomes so close, so vivid. As if you can feel then all... what they mist have felt when a beloved one transitions.


Felt in parallel

Michelle and her young son who drowned just a few weeks ago in the age of 29. Joel when special dog Arthur died, was a crushing moment, too, because that dog was very special. When Laura’s Cherie died not long time ago, albeit in an age of 14 - it does make the heart feel it. Or Perlou’s beloved dog, also recently... Suddenly you can FEEL that FEELING in your heart. Literally. And above that the somewhat chaotic impressions of emotions. The paradoxes between outer world we live in - and the inner world with its nameless impressions.

It all becomes so... as if you are with one leg into the grief of others.


Suddenly Puncturing a thick skin
from the past 2.5 years of insanity in the world...

Then I also wonder if my stealth skin due to the many damages and deaths due to the illegal deadly injections, now have penetrated my shield, and that sorrow too comes to the fore. Because many times as of lately (last 6-9 months) I have shielded myself from the vast amount of evil that is perpetrated by our governments against the people. The pain it causes when you read about the injuries of people. The sudden deaths of people. And the extreme cynical statements from officials - which is so utterly devoid of all emotion, sympathy and common sense.

Perpetrating wars and lethal injections and endless amounts of damages and suffering. The pain, also was mine. The part that is Ralf I mean. Grief and i have had a very long relationship for decades. I almost forgot how it feels like. And somehow i had to protect myself and study further. It is not an enjoyable show, I am afraid. Not when it starts to get serious close to the heart. The beat i can come up with is black humor. But it is also a betrayal because deep inside i am endless angry. I am aware of that fallacy. The potential downfall that means. But i also know Ralf. At least much - which is a lot.

Tekki’s death penetrated my thick skin it seems - all within the hour and onwards. And now it hits me me full house.


Thankful for Tekki

But i am also deeply thankful for her higher qualities. That i have been allowed to take part of her life, her personality which at times really stunned me. In Swedish i would say “ädel”. A form noble being she had under the layers of a typical 2D animal being. The way she communicated with us. Tears of joy i got, sometimes when we were joking. But also a secret admiration of how stunning her spirit being actually was. To realize that while she was alive, that somehow under everything also was this noble creature. It goes against everything i “thought i knew about animals when i was a teenager. Well i knew nothing. It was Tekki who taught me. Let me in on it. In her own way.


When dogs communicate

But such a wonderful character... the way she “spoke” to us, when she needed something important. (I am not talking about food). Well actually, she could point that out, too - but like a dog, would also take many times a chance, although she knew that it wasn’t time for food yet. She often tried anyway - but i only had to tell her once, and then she went out of the kitchen again (in the middle of the night).

She had many animal characteristics dependent on her mood or gestures. That stunned me, that one dog can look and act like different animals.


I have never lived so close to an animal.

And never loved one so deeply while appreciating her as a personal being. She did tell us when she didn’t like something. And she loved to play. I was the wildest with her, constantly coming up with new gestures and ways to interact with her. Boy did we had fun (I hope she had too). I think she did - because if she didn’t want to engage, then she wouldn’t. And i would force her, either. I played every day with her, and i think it is because she was so rich in her feedback - which to me is... like a gift, when an animal does that.

I had no clue that my heart would feel this deep pain now... it it literally a heart ache. Especially when I think of the moments when her body still tried to get air, but didn’t, and she already faded away, when i came out of deep sleep in chock not fully understanding what happened, while looking at her... touching her... not knowing what to do. And then she was gone - her body didn’t move. But her eyes were open, as if she was still with us. Only that the nose quickly turned cooler... it hit me really hard, realizing, that she had ebbed out from this world.

Oh Tekki.

Boy do we miss you, dearly. We truly loved you.

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