The photo above, an older digital scanning from a rather dirty negative... is from Olof Tyche back in September 1993, which also was very much in the beginning when we started our relationship. Back then, he was always on the run, and you couldn't quite figure him out, really.

It's one of those "on-the-fly" images - him not standing still - indoors, easy to get blurry shots. In all this rapid fast paced soon running out of the door moment, he looked just so incredible handsome and masculine. Albeit his way of being was not the prototype of masculinity, but more of an enigma, a partially flirty, yet not frontal kind of being, with erotic under tones. A little bit the on-off type you never know where you have him. Or if you have him (whatever that expression means).

But it doesn't take away that handsomeness, which grinds in my stomach - as if I stood there back then. I may have myself not even given way to fully expose my secret feelings for him. I mean, that chamber in the heart, that feels and senses - beyond all layers of obscurity. The place, where you just... feel, admire, love, dance... where you harbor your rue feeling for a person, regardless right or wrong...

Of course that chamber deep within the heart, can very easily seduce a person, to get stuck on somebody else, even in the face of reasons, which should make you go away, and let go. So, even that part of the "heart" isn't necessarily a true part of one self's innermost core.

Still - many times when I write into my Diary, i often or almost always get shortcut with other thoughts and memories - and rather rarely I give true view to what I feel deep within - beyond time. Beyond memories. Beyond events which made two people part and stay parted for ever.

It has happened that I sometimes I dream of people I have been with - and despite the negative developments in real life - in the dream, is happened as if it never existed (or didn't matter). As if the heart gets to speak with it's honest voice. Where you realize, that you may love a person, beyond all reason and memories, regardless the events that parted you from one another in real life.

It then always is a bit surprising at first, when you wake up... that a part of you, can be so open. While in the life you live during daytime, the thought of any sympathy, feelings or "love", wouldn't even cross you mind. So, it is buried deep, deep down, never really coming up - because thoughts always catapult any voice of the heart away, directly within in the blink of an eye.

 

Do we even dare to feel ?

I mean really to feel - beyond all arguments and memories ? Do we ever do that - or do we this only in dreams occasionally ?

Now that Olof is dead from this lifetime and 3D density - it again puts a strong change into the way how I think of him. The dead can't defend themselves. So what the fuck does it matter, which memories I carry about him, especially the bad ones ? It does loose it's purpose, does it not ? It is as if the ego's - my egos radius got punctured. Like air flowing out and the balloon is just falling flat on the ground.

How strange the ego energy is... this artificially kept alive entity which often seems to get a "life of it's own" but only as long as the mouth still breathes air. When dead - the ego which seem to rule large parts of one's lifetime - is the fist part to fall apart. Going Instantaneously. Into nothingness.

Those who still remain, keep alive some of the aspects and memories of those who once lived, alive. And we wouldn't be here in the physical realm, if not somebody/something would have thought created us into this existence, literally becoming flesh and blood.

An interesting thought.

 

Hundreds of film rolls with Olof

I still have albums that carry several hundreds analog films with Olof Tyche, never scanned. So, I'll have a lot to do in the next months, for sure. It is also strange to think, that during those two years, I might have the most images of Olof T.

(The reason I write his name as "Olof T" is, that i don't want to mix him up with (Per-)Olof, another former good friend). That's why. And now that Olof is dead, i also can write his surname. I always hesitated to do so while he was alive - out of consideration for his private as well professional life.


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