The thing with lying is an interesting aspect.

Along the road while I am scanning old color negative films, I encounter plenty of images with Olof Tyche in it (from year 1993 & 1994). And without thinking too much, I observe faces, gestures, the feeling and nuances coming off from those images. Realizing how much of it comes back in detail I had forgotten. It is not that I truly seek details about the past - I do not !

But I can't avoid what comes to me, when dealing with all these images, which come to light first time after 28 years. (many of them never scanned before, and many from rather daily life impressions, not so much the studio images, I have already scanned for the most) I observe the pictures of people from my past coming to life, as if it was yesterday. And they do come ALIVE, literally - on a large screen, with fine details and colors.

 

Then I do remember...

I reflect of course - and remember anew the finer details. Almost as if being back in the year of 1994 - only with the difference that my senses today, thoughts and knowledge (and the tricks people sometimes played psychologically) are not as unknown to me today, as they were back then. Watching them with the eyes that are now 28 years older - does make a lot of difference. Or does it ?

Back then, a lot of things i sensed in and about people... I did not understand what they meant or could have meant. And then there was always this deeply stubborn believe in me, not to think the worst of people - even with evidence thrown in my face. And it was difficult for me to get out, the suspicion in what I thought had to be said in a "good way". But how can you say something which the opposite doesn't want to hear ? I believe my problem was, that I was too afraid that whatever I would say, it would crash the relationship. Not knowing that when a relationship already has ended, but not communicated - then you loose either way, because it isn't meant to be (in truth, at that moment or time).

You can't get yin and yang be present in the same room, when one has already left the building and no attraction is left (under the surface of obscuration) - and it still hasn't been dared to communicate about what really is/was going on.

Well, those are the aspects you get to learn over time - and sometimes the hard way.

I sensed - but didn't fully understand what exactly the why's or what it all meant. I also had a very strongly positive faith in people, despite sensing opposite aspects in/about people, but couldn't believe it and always thought "one has to fight for a relationship". Which is a term i rather doubt today. You cannot fight anything. You only can have relationship by free will, and not by trying to convince somebody. It is not how things work in life, in depths. And you can't do much when the other doesn't want to speak honestly. What one can do is, to be true to oneself. With that however i mean, onces heart and wisdom, not one's ego. The latter is good for organizing things, but a bad guide in terms of being / staying honest.

And if someone doesn't want to be honest, or choose do be dishonest, or can't get himself to get through to being more honest - then you can't go against his will - because it is ultimately his choice - and not yours to force on him or her. He/she must choose her experience, right or wrong - doesn't matter. Your duty is to be honest to your heart, and not fooling yourself into false love, and false love-bites illusions. You can't hold up people from traveling, once they made up their minds. Yeah, and usually they don't tell you because sometimes they are not totally clear about it themselves. Know thyself.

But what did I know about such things ? Not enough...

 

The common denominator

Olof T was no exception in terms of not being honest. Because, he wasn't honest. In the most critical aspects of life (and living together as a couple), he always avoided the questions and pretended as if it was raining, not hearing them - or literally simple from one moment to the other, stayed suddenly silent.

And when it hit hard, they directly blamed it on the other part - saying "It is your fault that I did what I did, stayed away 6 weeks without any contact" **. As if they have no control, no decision, no responsibility over their own actions - it is just all the other ones fault.

It's slick. It's also cheap.

I remember Olof saying that **, on 5 Oct 1994, while I was newly awakened, and it hit me like a stream engine at 150 km/h. I was furious and slapped him hard in the face. Like with Perry, 10 years later, too. And that was the last time in my life, I punched a boyfriend ever.

 

Fuck with me.

Fuck with me a long time and more. And then - suddenly - you are the one who get fucked in the face,when enough is enough. It then occurs for all the good and bad reasons, you deserved and have accumulated over long time in terms of lies, deceptions and make-up beliefs, not worth a single cent.

No earlier.

 

That strange summer of 1994

What Olof T. forgot to add, was that I searched for him everywhere, because he was gone, without message, without sign, without saying a single world - at a time we had no conflict. I even made contact to his sister, because I was worried, wondering if something serious had happened to him. But nothing. no answers, all silence. I felt that was so odd, so very odd.

One day after 3-4 weeks, a postcard came in - telling me that he was enjoying the beaches in Southern Sweden, having fun. La Lalalaaa kind of postcard. Not a word about why refused any contact, or if something happened. And on our first year Anniversary on 17 June 1994, Olof gave a fuck. Nothing.

To me that was a sign that something was serious off, because that was not a normal behavior. but what the fuck was it ? (I never got an answer, not even later)

 

The awkward issues with "Silent Treatments"

It is like the principle of "Silent Treatment": You get the blame for something which gradually appears more and more serious - but getting any hints or answers. You ransack yourself at all levels - and still can't find common sense logic nor any answers. I was so worried shit, and lost 13 kilo weight, falling down to 66 kilo - which was on a guy of 1.84 meter, far too little. Last time I had 66 kilo was I believe in a crisis with Olle Larédius back in 1985.

One day, our friend Matti was over at my apartment in July 1994, I had to change cloths - he must have watched me, seeing my ribs and skinny body - went out (without saying a word), and suddenly came back with two bags filled with food !

 

The Postcard
*rolling my eyes*

So, when Olof wrote that postcard that - oh, i have fun at the beach - it was kind of nasty... later to blame me, for that he stayed away 6 weeks without any message or contact. As if saying "I should have known why". Well I frikkin' didn't. usually never loose weight, because it's so damn fun, either. Especially not when I had no overweight in the first place.

And perhaps the worst thing was, that during those 6 weeks of absence, he - and that is my assumption - visited my best friend in Germany - Jack in Rahden - who was onto Olof all the time, and likely invited Olof over. After all, it ain't far away between Helsingborg in Southern Sweden, and Rahden in Northern Germany. I once read a letter in 1995 after my separation with Olof. A letter Jack had written to Olof - and when I finished, I was like... WTF ?! It was like an erotic letter who was literally onto Olof all the time. In Germany we say "Smearing honey around the beard", on top my best calls me a "A cold fish who doesn't care".

So, that was the first insight in the whereabouts my best friend behind my back. I didn't read the other letter. I didn't have to, I didn't want to and i already knew that those where similar. After all, at that stage Olof and I had already separated and no more contact - so it didn't matter. but it made me furious that my best friend, with him i had a long letter friendship since 1989, would go behind my back so badly...

 

A strange dream... Feb 1994

With that strange postcard - I suddenly remembered (back then) a dream I had in the beginning of 1994 - when Olof and I were together, in love and everything, super creative, doing a lot of photo projects together... had fun, and it was probably our best time.

I had the tendency as a photographer and print maker - to deliver my love e.g. my boyfriends beauty on a silver platter, through beautiful hand made prints which I would send to Jack in Germany. Because we exchanged a lot of photography prints. He didn't do his own prints, and instead used a photo service.

Back then in Feb 1994, I had a dream - which I wrote down to Jack in a letter. It about that Olof and I were in our bed, and suddenly in the middle of it - Jack was intruding, insisting on being present in the middle of the bed, in between Olof and I. To be really honest, it didn't feel good. And I wrote that to Jack - typically frank (but not rude), as I always have been...

 

He got absolutely furiously mad

So, having written down my dream to Jack - I got a letter back from him - in which he was so furious, so angry at me... I couldn't understand his reacting to something so trivial like a dream. The reaction of Jack, was totally uncalled for - so I wrote back to Jack and calmed him down: "Jack - it was just a dream - I really donät understand why you got so upset". Back then I thought, it was silly to overreact like that, over something that is just a dream fantasy story book. What is there to take serious, or being offended by ?

Yeah. That was a good question - but I never tohught there would be any substance behind. Not even the slightest.

 

As it started to dawn to me

Later in 1995 it all made suddenly, in the strangest kind of ways, a lot more sense. And God knows what went into Jack's mind. He always have been a sucker for Olof's looks... and his habits has always been to entice those young guys he liked, into their fancy-schmanzy home in Rahden (together with his boyfriend Erny). It was Jack's thing. He also used presents as a way to sway people closer to him, including me. Unique Clothes, as an example. A few times even money, which I didn't accept, and only agreed to under the condition that I make handmade prints for him, from his negatives which we then would send to me. That way, it was an acceptable agreement.

Both Olof and I were unemployed in 1994, so we were chronically living on the margins.

 

1995

For that year was a shit year and very, very strange to deal with. I was so furious, so incredible angry - and didn't know what to do with it. Olof and I couldn't talk - because as I mentioned earlier, whenever there was something off, he just wasn't honest enough to talk about it. (Very much like Perry - because both of them, Perry as well Olof T, just never spoke about what's really on their mind).

Which pegs the question - how do you resolve conflicts, when one parts just isn't, doesn't want to, or "isn't capable to" to deal with anything negative on their minds, with communicating. Perhaps they "wish things weren't that way", playing the victim ? But they don't do shit, in order to actually help to resolve the conflicts by actually speaking what's on their minds. And on top laying about things, certainly doesn't help to resolve dwelling conflicts.

No. Olof T was not honest. And Perry wasn't honest either. none of them ever spoke about conflicts - ever. If they told that this wasn't the case, then they conveniently have forgotten their part in it: they didn't communicate what so ever.

And Perry - when something is broken - he always threw things away. They were not worthy anymore. Whether those where closets, clothes or... people. But he doesn't tell to the people affected: he just thinks his thoughts, makes up his mind about them, and plays the innocent. In reality, he already has written you off.

And then one day, they wonder WHY why get slapped in the face.

I tell you. Because you had it coming, that's why.

I know. It's ugly. At the same time, it is also true. Some people just go on an on, avoid being honest, tell lies, used "silent Treatments" - and one day, when the barrel explodes, they wonder why they got a hard slap in their faces. Playing the victim in an endless chain of denial, avoidance and lies. And then you have the guts to ask - they you got hit in the face.

Yeah. I wonder why that is.

 

Perry, Olof T, Daniel, Johannes...

With that, Olof T joined the same characteristics like Johannes (1996+), Perry (2003-05), and Daniel (2009-15). It just came to my mind, how similar this common characteristic has been about these four different people and personalities. A very strong tendency to avoid everything they didn't want to feel, talk or be honest about. Even if it bugged them, even if they had the urge wanting to change the unpleasant situation (whatever they felt was a problem they perceived)... but they didn't talk about it - not really. And not honestly. The import aspects, they even lied about.

There is a funny thing about the road of time. The truth always get out, sooner or later, no matter what. It is also one of the things, i feel good about it, that whatever I did, whatever they did in the long haul, it always comes to the fore - and with that, there is a sort of higher justice in place - so I don't really have to shit in my pants. In the critical aspects I have always been frank and honest towards my boyfriends and husbands, including if I had sex with other people - I told them - and they were fully aware of it. Simply because I already told them in advance. (Among gay couple things are somewhat different when it comes to sex with people, and we are generally pretty "decadent" about these things, and pretty "open". Albeit i have noticed that many couple are still not honest about their private excursions, and the boyfriends often doesn't know, still).

 

Olof Tyche

But lets get some important things straight !

Olof is/was a good person - he does/have had a good soul - so much I can say, regardless what was, regardless the errors and faults, and the lies in our relationship long time ago. I believe he had his own struggles in life, and I believe that he over time, most likely addressed a lot of things within his own boundaries and with new people during his life. I don't not know that of course - but I do get the indication from within, that this was the case later in his life. Like a guy who actually turned around his life, and worked to stabilize it in a better way.

He had fascinating and good qualities in Olof, which made up for the lesser ones in him. There was even courage in him. I remember one time in 2007, when we would be so mad at each other, so angry - but both of us stayed in the conversation on the phone - none hung up - and after let's say 1 hours, we actually could talk for REAL.

Both managed to get through the onset of old anger - and pulled though. And then it became something different, something creative and interesting. This also reminded me on qualities of both the old and a new (or maturer) Olof back then. I am absolutely sure that he that further. And why wouldn't he.

Speaking about memories, Olof Tyche had one of the most wonderful voices - because of the Skånska dialect of his got softer under the influence of living in Stockholm (becoming less throat dominating, since real Skånska is very edgy, hard and throat focused). But his beautiful combo was like music in my ears. Actually, in my inner ear, I can still hear Olof Tyche speaking, in a very clear way, almost as if he was standing next to me.

 

 

Remember this (2022)

whomever reads my thoughts here. It is a personal Diary. It means, I speak about old memories, and yes, they are starting to get long in the tooth - I am aware of that, too. They are long passed episodes told though the lens of my mind, eyes and memories. As it looks like, I happen to be a photographer, who when he scans old negatives from 28 years ago - those people pop up as if they are alive, as if 1994 is the year I am living in. Therefore memories become vivid, in ways, the memory usually doesn't (not in the same way at least).

But - they are just stories, when it all boils down.

The people we leave behind, may produce different stories with other people, in which they are able to show their better sides. Why ? well, I assume that it is easier to wrote a new story on a piece of white paper, instead of using a sheet of already written paper. If the same people have learned from their mistake (they partially attribute or project onto others) is another story. Life provides a "playground" where we can learn from our mistakes, and the reflections we make, the projections we put onto others people - and perhaps sometimes we start to realize, that we may have done some things wrong with our boyfriends in the past - and stop doing the same mistakes. The change to correct them is given though the opportunity of having a life. So, it is not impossible that some things change (while other things never change).

And it is not up to me, to decide what people are. I can only "judge" them though the lenses of my perspective - and those are limited to the years, we lived together. But their lives are also made up of many other years, with many other people. I do believe it is possible for them to create better lives, in which they perhaps take more responsibility over their emotions, and share more about what REALLY goes on, in their minds - which with the "right" partner, can actually change.

And sometimes it takes a couple of fights, in order to weather out the old ghost we maintain in ourselves. I remember that Sal and I had such episodes; a very few, short outbursts - which later when we looked at those together in hindsight, clearly had a "old pattern" attached. As if the "old ghosts / old habits / scars", sort of didn't want to give up. As if trying to color a new relationship with our old patterns, fears and anger.

But they were ghosts, and they didn't survive in my marriage with Sal. So, we went further than anyone before, so to speak.

 

About the (above) Photo of Olof Tyche

It was this photo which sparked my memories - from a sort of inner sense. Reminding me, not only of Olof T prior he left for 6 weeks without any communication, but also on other boyfriends and people... it is the look, with a certain feeling attached to:

As if somebody already is telling - but never dares or doesn't want to say in honesty: He already has left the building. It is the kind of photo, which shows that a man already has left a relationship. But isn't honest enough daring to say so.

Which then also complicates things a lot...

I always have had a keen sense, in sensing the subtleties when love enters a room. And when love is leaving the building. I've always felt the particular sensation of "movements", in and about people. They are often very subtle, barely able to sense... but they are there. Sometimes I find it fascinating how much people tell without saying a single word - and yet, as if their spirit is telling their stories - and without lies.

The question is of course if the receiver of such "invisible" information, can handle that. I have always sense so endlessly much about people - but many times, I just didn't know what that meant, or how to deal with it.

Sensing the invisible, unspoken, has never been a problem for me. My problem has been, that I didn't know how to interpret the signals.

 

Contrary radiation about Olof 1993/94

Olof in 1993-94, has a rich kind of invisible language he would radiate - and on top, gave off very mixed signals in many ways. I remember that this was often very confusing about him. Sometimes this strange "Madonna & Whore" kind of radiation. On one hand very pronounced erotic, but not bad or filthy. I mean more subtle, yet very strongly erotic in nature. At the same time, a sort of coy attitude. That if you approached him directly (in talking to him about it), he would pretend/simulate (?) not knowing anything about it. Me ?? Who me, no ? then who ?

That was so strange... It had at times a mythical sensation, which in itself was exciting - as if sometimes the heaven had a finger in the game, during the time we started to date in summer 1993 and onwards, and briefly in August 1994. There was a sort of spiritual quality to it, too. But it is difficult to me to put finger to it. Honestly, i never read my old Diary, nor do I read any letters that have been wrtting during our relationship, which i still all have in a physical folder together with many photos. (My Photo Diary back in 1994 was made on handmade, physical photo paper / print / on which i had written my Diary)

Kind of pretty much the same like I do here today - only that it was physical and not digital. I have probably 10-15 folders sitting in my closet, all handmade, A4 Diaries, written on real photo print paper. I first made an enlargement on a piece of 24x30 cm photo paper, and reserved half of the paper (unexposed), in order to have the space to write on it later.

 

Early days of my Photo Diary

Later I would use a Apple Color Style ink writer, in order to get the written text onto the photopaper. Here below is an older version, when I still wrote by hand, back in 1993. I havev not yet found a photo, of the latter ink text written diary pages.

Ah, now I found a latter version. I put it as the third image, which is from a letter I sent to Joel in Baltimore in 2002.

 



 


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