And there they sat in the kitchen here in Stockholm; Sal and Paola. Father and daughter. What a beautiful feeling. And all of the sudden, there are also two adults talking over the kitchen table. The little daughters... have turned into young women, living all their own lives, created their own personalities, values, thoughts and feelings...


Kitchen Table Talks

I was baking 6 loafs of bread all at once, while they were talking in the kitchen yesterday evening, with chips and wonderful Aventinus beer from Germany... well, later I was joining the party.

I absolutely LOVE to sit in the kitchen and talk about anything and everything in the world, and in between. From deeply personal to what goes on elsewhere. The kind of style which my beloved Grandmother and I would go in Germany, back in the 80s. Sitting there and just talking... And that home feeling surrounds you like a protecting cocoon with warm colors... of familiarity, family feeling and deep a deep bond woven, connecting hearts.


A moment at the balcony...

As I woke up late this afternoon - Sal is at work, and Paola is participating in an international Gymnastic event north of Stockholm - I suddenly got these strange, interesting, and a bit overwhelming feelings. They reminded me of a feeling like a father has toward his daughters. The deep sense of unity, and yet you also see with your eyes that your flesh and blood, have turned into two beautiful, absolutely fantastic individual human being, with lives all of their own. Two young, real women now. Actually I felt so many feelings that I can barely name them, because - well, as a gay guy, what do I know about being a father, or having two daughters.

And yet, I could feel, of what I interpret as father feelings. You know, as if I would tap into Sal and get a glimpse of what he feels towards his daughters. In which some of it is unspeakable, because how do you explain what moves a father and a mother deep down in their hearts, when they look at their now grown up daughters ? The love, the delight, the respect, the pride, the everything that what once was, from a little baby all the way to two absolutely beautiful daughters. How do you even put that in words ?!

And the fears and worries who do pop up from time to time, because, well - you wish that your daughters have a long life, and that nothing bad happens to them. That for a father and mothers, does sometimes have these weird deep dwelling feelings of worries - which I am sure, you push aside.

That's what I felt when I woke up, went to the balcony, lit my cigarette and stood there, without aim - and yet filled with these impressions of astonishment. As if the closeness of Paola, triggers a special kind of ... transfer of information, in which I suddenly can feel things more...


A Sense of Fatherhood

I almost cried, because if I would be father, it would be overwhelming sometimes. At the same time there is so much joy, when you look at your daughters, seeing to what amazing women they have grown up to. And I can only agree, when I suddenly see Paola again, realizing - boy, she is truly beautiful, both from the outside as well from the inside, a light, so bright and beautiful - unafraid, and yet filled with all the senses and tools, between light and dark, which guides a young womans life though the world of adulthood. And she does it - she does it, whether with a partner, or alone, she is conquering the world she lives in - in ways, I can only deeply and respectful take off my hat and bow and say; what you guys do, Carla and Paola, is so incredible, and way way over head of what I ever came close to.


Those two amazing girls !

They live their lives in such a way, which is creative, reflective and totally aligned without psychological shit, but bring forth powers, I only could have dreamed of when I was a child and teenager or young man. So, they two have my deepest respect; What Paola and Carla do in their lives, is absolutely amazing. The way they do it, the way they create, the way they balance it. The way they have become, as warm human beings, testing things, and i believe, know what they want - and able to discern in a sort of inherent wisdom, they understand what they do not need in their lives.

There are strings of beauty connecting their mother Maria Grazia and their father Sal with the daughters, back and forth. Back and forth. A bloodline of deep human beauty, practical wisdom, and healthy balance for the travels between the many powers of light and dark in this realm. And I say it again, those two girls are so gifted in their creativity - Mama Mia... I knew very quickly, that those two eclipse me like subito (Italian; fast, immediately, quick) *LOL*

When Carla did her photographic education at the School of Arts in Catania - and made various projects - I saw immediately, that I was the dinosaur and my truly creative and "ambitious" time had ended *LOL*

No, seriously - what she is doing with her eyes, hands and skills... whether photography, carpentry, wood, other materials, creations, anything... was so amazing. (I think I have never shown anything of what Carla has done in my Diary). I sort of kept that private. But what Carla has creates in the past years.... is phenomenal.

And Paola, in her many studies at the universities... plus her gymnastics / acrobatics.... just SUPER WOW. It's really so beyond anything I have done in my own life *LOL* But I am not sad, nor do i feel that my own "limitation" are in any way... sad or something like that. No, no. I feel joy, to see that Sal's daughters are that gifted and truly live their lives.

Carla is soon heading to South America, doing the boat lifting thing to get there - and then... well, you can throw her into anything... she manages and will create ! She is a creator and a cultivator. I thing she is working with the power of a Taurus. (reminds me of Joel in Baltimore a little bit). The kind of Taurus powers, who work with materials; soil, wood, crafting, cultivating, survival, building things, creating things. From houses to the fine art of fantastic bracelets and sculptures.

Just mind boggling, for me to see ! Really, I am just in awe, when i think of Carla and Paola.

And when I see real art, I know to acknowledge. I appreciate and I am fascinated over how the girls have extended their skills, art and knowledge. I capitulate in the sense of, feeling joy, and of having the honor to watch them doing their stuff the way they do.



A reminder of my own expiration date

Of course, with so much beauty and so much art - I do get reminded of my own age, and that my time also one day comes closer to an end. That the boy in me, well.... he can't be a boy for the rest of his life - even if that of course is psychologically possible. But I do get older, and I am not far away from pushing 60. Which as a numbers, just feels ridiculous. Me, Ralf - the blonde man-boy or whatever... finally, soon turning 60. What da fuck ?! Seriously ?

How did that happen ?! *LOL*

Perhaps I have been too busy with my emotional storms, the attachment to the men in my life in the past. I think it took out enormous amounts of energy, and made me stay trapped over several decades. Partially imprisoned by the emotions I didn't fully understand, nor the strings that like hooks where attached into my being for a very long time. I tried to solve these things, tried to overcome them. But when I woke up, i was almost 50.


Everything in its own time

But on the other hand, I was now finally mature enough, to meet a man like Sal - once who basically took place, where all the other had failed miserably, where it never would go any further. Perhaps it was like it had to be in the larger picture. That I first had to overcome the emotionally hooks and challenges in my life, and become (for real) more seriously mature, in order to live a life with Sal. Because the inherent quality of living with Sal, as human beings, is of such different class, compared to the previous ones. They were, as a couple each one of them - a DEAD END at all important levels of life. No growth. And in the longer perspective only symbolized entropy.

And therefore Yin and Yang are not in the same room.

Of course those relationships went apart. Where was no other way, and i believe it had to happen simply by natural reasons and possible future timelines didn't contain any honest, spiritual growth. They were beings of materialism and illusions. (Don't get me wrong; I am not saying this as an accusation that it is their fault. I was as much part of that development myself - so I cannot exclude myself in the development of our relationships in the past). And yet, it is still how they continued lived their lives, and do similarly even today.

Therefore, clearly, I have no part in that - and most likely, I wasn't meant to be part of that today, either. Otherwise I would be where I am today, with Sal.

Sal is also the only man i have been together with, which in a union, created true growth and mutual support in a way, which went beyond the common image of those things.

It wasn't based on wishful thinking and stereotypes, like the all others before. With Sal, life turned out to be very real, where all others had ended before, this union, went beyond all others. With all the little errors we have, the "spots", of course. And that is part of the journey and living together.

And I love it. Absolutely love it. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else than with Sal. We may fuck other guys and all that kind of gayish stuff - but when it comes to be with someone as a human being, as a connection, as a bond - I simply can't think of anyone else than being with Sal.

It just is.


I may have drifted off what I originally wanted, or tried to express, regarding Sal and his daughters. But i think i got out the core of what I wanted to say. In all this beauty, life, growth and appreciation of two young, incredible women - of course I get reminded of my age, and that i am moving towards the end of it - albeit not that it really feels like it - yet). But still, Sal and I are moving towards the later part of life, while his daughters Carla and Paola, are moving into the main part of life.

When beings like that come together - a sensitive / sensing person, will ultimately also feel such aspects of physical and psychological 3D life. I mean from the perspective of a human life - which as less to do with the aspect of soul and infinite circles of life, beyond the concept of what we think like is here on earth, like a limited time - without before and after (which is just the materialistic-psysical perspective of "life") - where we often see "us", as "I" or "Me", as a single- standalone kind of existence. Nothing before - with nothing after.

Anyway, I have to round up here. These are just the thoughts and feelings that went though my mind, as I was standing at the balcony smoking my cigarette, and the time afterwards.


Full Family House, Christmas 2022

Speaking of coming together. Christmas 2022, Carla, Paola, Maria Grazia - they all will come to Stockholm. We will be all together this Christmas in Stockholm. What an event - and i truly look forward to met them all again, being together, here in our home.

Ah, so beautiful !!!

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