My thought go to Olof many times, and it hasn't really diminished. Partially because I still have a huge piles of negatives (from year 1994) I am scanning with my camera - turning them into real images - like the funny one above.


Music Cassette Tapes

It actually doesn't stay there - I even bumped into the music I used to listen back then in the 80s and 90s, as I still have most of my cassette tapes. (!)


Sal's music tape from early 90s, he sang

The other day Sal asked me what could be done with a cassette tape he got from his best friend Les, which saved it (all these years since the 90s). So, i revived the art of transferring music cassette tapes to digital sound files. (Boy, did Sal have a good voice - simply amazing, truly !!! Back then he looked like "Neo" from "The Matrix - but i can't find that photo. It's sooo cool. The guy who plays all the instruments behind Sal's voice - did this manually, mixing all instruments with tapes, the classic way. That must have been a lot of work. It sounds like a whole band and orchestra... Today people do it with professional apps, or Apples voodoo. Back then, it was done with tape manually mixing... The guy, Roberto, is today a world famous concert boss in Denmark (I don't know how his profession is called in English).


Grandmother Elfriede on Tape

I am sure I will dig up the tapes with my Grandmother Elfriede, when we joked around with the cassette tape recorder together in the end of the 80s. That should be fun to bring them to the digital world !!!


The thing with old Music cassette tapes

Anyway - so this lead into that i dug up my old music tapes... Which enables weird echoes of long lost emotions. I mean it's been music i was listening on and on and on. So, the way songs are played after one and another - brings up memories. Or rather; vague flowing emotions of recognition traversing ones mind.

And with this, also them music came back i used to listen during 1993-94. One leaves a lot of feelings behind as we grow older, while new and daily life impression of the Now, usually take up all space. Older feelings only used to pop up because of special events one still remembers from the past. Often the most "dramatic" ones... those who made a deeper imprint. Everything else is usually gone from ones horizon.

But when you dive - like in my case - into that time with exactly the same music tapes I used to listen t0 many times... - then the more subtle feelings emerge. Those that I thought were long forgotten.


Aoi Kaze - Blue Wind

It is like a blue wind. For example, the Japanese coined the term "blue wind" (aoi kaze) to describe a particular state of mind, between a certain sadness and nostalgia.

That's exactly the strange feeling i get - to say the least.


Clash of Times

All these images now 30 years old - yet so alive and vivid. It is almost like a culture clash, and yet at the same time so familiar: Something which feels as if it was only 10-15 years ago. On top, Olof is dead. How can that be ? I sometimes don't understand...


The memory-emotion connection

Of course, my memories are tightly connected not just to the people in it, but also to my own emotions - back and forth. It's me - it's them. It is them - it is me. It's one - and it is not; at the same time. It's the outspoken as much the words that were not spoken. It is past and it is Now. All in One. And yet not exactly the same; it's Here vs There.

My emotions are extremely close tied to emotions and visual inputs (photos & inner images) It is how my brain functions, through which I remember what people said, or my own thoughts. It is how i remember my feelings. And though them, i remember them and their words !

This has a backside - because it makes me seemingly be "fixated" onto myself. (Or perhaps I am !??) Most likely both is true: I am self-centered, and I am not. The "me" is the portal to which i reflect upon others. But sometimes I don't fully get there, and get stuck with describing "Me". But my inner focus is actually on other people.

Does that make sense ?

I can even remember where I stood when I had a reflection in the past. That is when I remember a thought from the past - i remember my surrounding, where that happened.


When writing

When I try to write things down, it seems like it is all about myself. Which it is, but at the same time, this is not entirely my true focus. "Me" is the road to others, to remember, to reflect upon; in hindsight to think about what they could have meant. And the subtle body languages and facial expression - which sometimes, in hindsight reveal possible different thoughts, unspoken, but radiating from them.

I often reflect about this "conflict", between "remember me vs remember others". Therefore it seems i have to pass through a lot "me's" - before I get to what I really desire wanting to express.

The things they didn't say in front of me, but I may after all have picked up on a hidden level. This is something I have pondered about, regarding Olof T. lately. That there has been aspects of him, which often felt quite hidden, sort of "mysterious".

Perhaps also a bit of a cowardliness; him not really communicating about what bugged him. But he had both in him; the coward and the brave. Yet, he could have been a bit more honest towards his feelings for me and in general - which perhaps were not the way he thought he had for me.

That I didn't really fill the space in him, he yearned for wanting to be filled and to be explored. I was just not the guy for him - and at some deep level, i sensed that. Or; i think I did...


My own feelings where not clear either...

Then there are aspects, where not even I could fully understand what exactly I wanted from Olof Tyche. I mean... was i even able to express that ? I am not talking about the rich language of letters and "I love you's". What if i joked with him too much, and by that didn't really take him so seriously along the road ? Sometimes i suspect that I didn't respect him so much - because i constantly had the feeling of him just not being honest enough - perhaps because he wasn't honest to him self either.

Something was amiss. And respect was lacking along the road we traveled seemingly together.


Young - after all

Makes me suddenly realize - boy we were indeed young back then. Him 33 and me 28. That IS young, when I look at this today. Back then it felt like a joke. Now i understand that people say this for a deeper reason; we were young ! We were foolish. And we explored things. And it wasn't alway that clear what we wanted or how to put finger on our inner feelings. I mean you can have MANY words - but that doesn't mean you have the experience and depth to verbalize your deeper feelings and conflicts.


Such lovely moment

I love the image above, because it shows such a lovely moment of peace. Both Matti and Olof being... well, being themselves, not properly dressed, still newly awakened, so relaxed and in good mood. And Olof who lived more like a student, and usually the table a bit messy after eating bread. The simple life, so to say. He was unemployed back then, and so was I - albeit i was working in an "ALU project", in order to qualify for a new period of unemployment income. Which I did as a third photo assistant at the photographer Johan Westin in his studio in the Southern part of Stockholm City.

Olof sometimes worked some hours in various projects, to get some money. Matti I don't remember if he was working or not. Anyway, it was the time, where we all hung out together.


Matti is still alive

and i found his address the other day. I wonder, if I should make contact to him. Wondering if he knows that Olof died... But also to send him a couple of images from 29 years ago... which after all, never have seen the light since they got exposed. I only made contact sheets on color paper from from the color negatives - I rarely enlarged them. Especially the "daily life" images were usually not used - because i focused so much on huge amounts of photo competitions. Which was very successful, especially in German magazines - and at least there I won compact cameras and film. It was a very roundabout way, trying to get confirmation on my photography. But I did won many first prizes back then ! It really took off since 1993.

Oh man, all these photos. There are so many...

- 187 -