I am scanning old negatives since a very long time, and today was no exception. This time a couple films from 1990 and 1994 as well 1995.


What caught me with surprise

where images made on 17 or 18 July 1994 - of a stranger, I have absolutely no memory of. He looks kind of cute-ish in a sexy-goofy-ish, in a gay kind of way. And I mean that in a positive sense - of course in the way I look at him today. Back then, I was into my boyfriend Olof T, so the guy in the photo wasn't my type back then, really. I had no eyes for other guys nor could I appreciate them as good looking - and my taste was very different, too.

The film negatives are indicating to me that he looked like a tourist in Stockholm. Was he German - it almost feels like it ? Swedish, nah i don't think so ? Or American ? Well, I can't remember. Perhaps I mentioned the guy in my physical Diary from 1994 ? Again, I don't know - because I don't read my Diaries.

At the same day or day before, Rolf Gernand from Germany came to visit Stockholm, and wanted to meet up with me. We were buddies but no sex. Strangely, I can't remember how we met from the beginning. Was it in Berlin perhaps from 1990 or 1992 ? I know that we kept in touch for a couple of years... But not how the contact came about.


Cross-processed slide film in C-41

I do remember that I had a photo session with Rolf in my studio during that visit - and that he didn't like the results. I have not found those cross-processed negatives yet - but have an old scan from one negative:


With a heart in free fall

This period coincided with having been one of the most wicked ones. My boyfriend Olof Tyche stopped having contact to me - without giving any reason - just out of the blue, stayed away for 6 weeks somewhere in Southern Sweden. All attempts from my side, trying to understand of there was a reason behind it - failed. Even when i contacted his sister, I got no answer.

Therefore the whole period was so absurd - with my heart in free fall.


Distress over what exactly ?

No greetings nothing, just disappeared while having traveled somewhere to the South of Sweden. On 13 July 1994 I believe, was our first anniversary - just no boyfriend. If we would have had a fight, I could have understood. But there was none !!

This exaggerated the distress during this time, and I really didn't know how to interpret that... When a boyfriend just stops to communicate without reason, giving a rats ass to our first anniversary... well, it did create a lot of sadness and confusion in me... I also believe that this broke something substantial in our relationship. This combined with a later refusal to talk about it - definitely prevented whatever the reasons behind there was, from healing and understanding.

Olof T was not an honest person in the matter related to heart, friendship and sex. And that was the reason, everything went down the hill later that autumn 1994.


Non-communicative similarities with Perry

When I think of Olof T today, I sometimes wonder, if there have been a lot cross connections with Olof T vs Perry. Some essential similarities in terms of problems. The essence of the problem; the refusal to communicate in things that truly matter (heart matters)

Albeit Olof T was communicative in general, a lot better than Perry - while Perry was far too superficial, kind of going in auto-mode, or brain Type 1 automatic response guy. Deep reflections seemed to be absent - or he never spoke about them, never shared them.

Sweet, handsome and duty conscious guy - but on automatic most of the time.

But the heart, you do not get to know. You have to ask the right questions, know the right answers, and overall - be the right kind in his eyes. If you are not - you are flushed down the toilette - secretly - like a closet with a tiny crack in the mirror - not good enough "for him" or his standards. But even that, a Perry wouldn't tell you. He simply then does his own thing. Secretly. Calling that a marriage, is overrated... like at all levels.

Cool guy, huh ?


Went totally out of my memory

OK, back to the mysterious guy in the photos. My assumption is, that the meeting with the guy, the Stranger which I can't remember - fell entirely out of my memory because of that utmost peculiar time around those weeks when these images were taken in mid July 1994 (I had lost huge amounts of weight, only 66 kilo left ! ) It is possible that I met him at Hus1, at the gay café, and we started to talk. That is kind of the only possibility i could think of.

A pity, that I remember nothing.



Rolf Gernand at a Café



The thing with attachments

It is a little bit of a pity, that when I write about photos... there are always my private memories attached to. I mean, instead of just telling stories and memories about OTHER people - instead it always seem to tightly connected to my own feelings, memories and whereabouts - often in a sad or dark manner.

It sometimes bugs me. At the same time, I wonder - why did I ever go into photography ? Maybe it was after all a sort of survival strategy to cope with life and events ? I mean, it is possible. Therefore my photography also was a tool, and therefore tightly intertwined with private memories...

And boy was I at it... In terms of "images from life" - i was with a camera almost all the time. So a lot of "Ralf" was flowing into my photography... It mirrors my life in various ways, snippets, little things, impressions and expressions.


Photography probably was a survival tool for me

It might not mean so much anymore, today in 2022/23 - but it was certainly a helper tool for me to get around. However what I often not did, was to work with the images. Those personal images, where left in physical archives for DECADES. It isn't until now, they come to light.... with all the moments in between life...


To experience images for the time in 25-30 years

Really strange to re-experience, re-evaluating and re-imagining all that today... after such a long time. At the same time, so much happened, at the same time - this is a bloody One Man Show - my photography and my Diary here on the Internet. Even all that, makes me sometimes wonder... Ralf, what the heck are you doing. While at the same time, it is a way for me, to continue to scan all my negatives... I mean to be motivated to bring them back to life.

And my homepage is a little bit one of the reason I have a purpose to scan older images. I have offset that for such a long time. (Partially because I felt the quality was just not good enough, and/or the effort to bring them into the digital world was far too cumbersome). It isn't until recently - the quality is fantastic and the effort I put in now, is more balanced. The scanning itself takes just one second - and to scan a film takes me only a couple minutes. Then comes the primary corr3ctions - which too, proceed very well giving me good all-round results. The fine tuning takes much longer time - but those I do when I know that I am going to put the image into my Diary here. Then it is worth the work, you know.


The quality in scanning negatives, keeps up my joy

That the quality now holds such high standards gives me immense pleasure and satisfaction ! And that is the reasons I have been scanning so many negatives like I have never done before in my life. I mean it's going way beyond 10.000 negatives in the past 1.5 years.

Today i burned off and added 140 negatives - and it didn't take such a long time, either. Every sheet of film negatives are getting cataloged as well a label is printed out, for identification (between physical film and the digital archive).


Lots of work left

So, a lot of strategic order I put into my archive nowadays. However, the final work will be - the day when ever single sheet of film has a label and identification number. Then those sheets need to be SORTED so that each sheet is sorted in the order to the date, the film was taken.

I have around 40 maps, containing around 3000-4000 (or more ?) sheets of 120 and 35mm type of film, often with a positive (print) contact sheet connected to it - and each one containing 10 to 36 negatives. That's an awful lot of photography after 40 years... At least 100.000 negatives, possibly even more ? I will not know for sure until the entire archive has been scanned and sorted out.


21.756 images

The digital archive (from analog negatives) contains 21.756 images now, which has grown rapidly during the past 1.5 years. However, each motive I scan today, is made up of both JPG + DNA file. So, the total amount of unique images, are fewer than 21.756. I would guess that at this stage i have scanned 10% of my entire physical film analog archive...

The total of everything in my digital archive - from video, to digital photography as well analogue-digital images... are 429.752 files.

Puh !


Neofinder, Tags vs File names

But the fun part is, that the program I use (NeoFinder), let's me browse these huge amounts of files within just seconds... But it isn't easy to find what I like - unless the file has a name in it. I didn't do that earlier - or at least not so often. I am no friend of putting tags into apps - because if the app gets corrupted, or isn't supported anymore, then you lose all the tags attached to your images.

Therefore i prefer to write directly into the file name; date and time and then followed by a description of what the image contains; such as places and people's names. A filename stays for ever attached to the a file - compared to stored tags in programs, which can get lost over time or due to incompatibilities.

OK, enough of this.

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