More lingering feelings

Another 100 image files scanned, worked with and added to the photo archive; this time Eugéne from 1995 - when we came of the idea to dress him as Santa Claus. (I have no idea who we came up with that. Perhaps because I was preparing to make Chistmas Cards in the photo darkroom ?)

Eugéne was a bit on the sexual, exhibitionistic side of things, and open to ideas - and so the idea took shape like you can see above. Nothing fancy, but playful - in my very old, rugged bathroom. Which by the way was never renovated since the 70s. (The apartment was NEVER renovated by the landloard, not even as I moved out in 2010. Nothing for over 35 years).

Already back in 1995 the bathroom it showed its age (thanks to those really old wallpapers, people told me were from the 70s, typically used in Sweden... so they said) *LOL*

What I don't understand - feelings-wise is, that these images are already 27 years old !!! It really doesn't feel like that at all. As if my feelings have placed these images somewhere around 2006 - but that's not true according to 3D linear time.


3 years ago

I think I have seen Eugéne a couple of years ago the last time, still out and about - but not since then. He still looked trained, still hunky-ish but also aged. He must now be in his mid 60s ?!

How old was he when I met him ? Something like 37-38 perhaps ? I don't really remember. It would make him now 64 something today.

When I think of 1995, I also realize, that I only had lived 3.5 years in that apartment in Enskede, Nynäsvägen Highway - my first real apartment on my own, first hand contract. Only 3.5 years when I finally got a solid, fixed point in life back then - at the same time - it's been 27 years ago - which brings things into a whole different perspective. Also how young I actually was... with 29 years of age - which however as a number doesn't sound that young (spontaneously thought, in my head).

So, things really flip-flop dependent on what I think of. If i think of the my first real apartment, i only was there for 3.5 years. When i think of my age, as 29 year old, it sounds already older. When i think of Eugéne as Santa Claus, it feels like it was only 15-18 years ago, placing him into the year of 2004-2007.

Like fluid time. Partially outside of linear time.

How strange these timelines feel like.


There is a certain kind of tiredness

sneaking into my life ? I can't really put finger on it, what exactly that is. Perhaps it is empathized due to being winter time now - most likely (and as always every winter). This is usually a time in which day and night sort of flow into one another. Especially since I am working night shift, and sleep during daytime, this gets even more all mixed up in the feeling.

• My focus in photography has shifted, too. Not really active at all - but instead wholly focused on scanning and reviving negatives.

• The total break from frequent travels to Sicily since April 2020 and lockdowns as well crazy-crazy conditions there, was a strong turning point - the input of inspiration has kind of dropped to Zero since then.

• I miss Tekki, our dog. Her presence was a source of joy. I would always break with whatever I was doing, just to hug her, or playing with her. All that was then suddenly gone ...


In the last (corona crazed) 3 years

So, the past three years have changed me. Or perhaps, pulled out a side in me, which is "passive". No that isn't the right word. A side which always has been there, a sort of sluggishness, an avoidance of activity, life and positivity ? I am not sure if that describes it - because it's too blunt and invites misinterpretation.

But it's something in that direction, causing stronger inactivity. You know, like don't really wanting to go out. "I hate to go out - but love to have done it". Plus an built-in delay to everything, which has gotten the worse side of me (again).

Something like that.

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