I sometimes wonder, how and where I am drifting off in my Diary. At one hand, i feel - yeah, OK - it is my Diary. One can write "whatever ones likes".

But when reflect upon that I am babbling about the same photo stuff in over 20 (?) pages... Then it feels a bit weird. I mean, if I climb out of myself, and see it from a "third eye's perspective".

Would I read it ? Probably not.


Reading my diary ?! Uhm... not really

I've always had a hard time to read my own personal Diary. Frankly, I am not even sure what that is. Nor do I touch my really older Diaries from the mid 90s, which are totally different (and physical, written non real photo print paper with images etc). But no... I don't dwell nor reflect upon what I once had written there. I wonder... how it would feel, if I did...

(I have no clue !)


A part of me

feels like - oh man - it is all just babbling (in the latter years of my Diary). But with "who's" eyes or thoughts am i thinking ?! For example: I cannot write like I did back in time, when I started with the digital version of my personal Diary on the internet (17 Aug 2000 and onwards). It developed very quickly into an extremely personal, very intimate, and very detailed Diary - with (many photos !!) thoughts and reflections.

Not to mention all the bickering at times. The "crying" and ranting - about heavy conflicts, betrayal, lost love, disappointment - and perhaps also very dominating: My Anger which at times really went red hot in the pages... Well, all that which makes a young person, unstable and conflicted, perhaps even loving and personal at the same time ?

Looks did attract people - that I learned to understand during the first years of my Diary - as it still was a highly unusual phenomena in the very beginning, right after year 2000.


Now it is 2023

I can't write like that anymore. Perhaps this has something to do with, that i have no feedback what so ever. I have not had it for many, many years. So, the feeling when I write here, is almost always like writing in an isolated bubble. Which at times feels cozy. While other times lonely. And sometimes also a bit "crazy". Without feedback i don't feel that I evolve in my English language, words and expressions. Instead I often feel i "chew in the same manner, same things, over the years".

That, gives me an somewhat unsettled feeling... but I also ignore it most of the time. I have absolutely no clue who visits this page. I stopped my trackers back i 2005-06 i believe. I got to fixated about "visitors" - and took away the counters and statistics - because I didn't want to be dependent on them. That's likely the forerunner to "likes", later in Social media, which made millions dependent on "likes", so they started to change their behavior...

But back in 2005 i felt the visit counters, had an annoying influence. I wanted things to be free - and not hanging on checking who visits my Diary.

So I quit that stupid counter.



The teenager within

I may still from time to time feel like a "teenager" / "young man" with the same internal reactions and emotions - like it was 25 years ago. But those are not really as pronounced or dominating in me today. I cannot make them "come alive", because they were in fact part of my problems 20-25 years ago. This extreme sensitivity in everything around me back then- was extremely exhausting. Yet, I did fuel it, i did to some degree like it. I thought that emotions are honest. It never crossed my mind, that emotions can be the response of false thinking and ideas. I instead fueled my emotions even further, so that they sometimes went berserk.

So, what i am trying to say here is: I am not against feeling emotions. But when emotions are always on the outside - then it becomes a problem, because it takes too much space. It also provocates other people who are living close. Sometimes - that can go really wrong in the interaction between two people.


Hidden in plain sight (sometimes)

I am sure that I have gotten less personal in my Diary here. And sometimes the personal stuff is "hidden" in plain site among photography talks. Or in connection to it afterwards.

If I would be a third party reader - the most interesting aspect for me is: liking to follow thoughts, feelings as well reflections and emotions of the person who writes them down into words and images. I personally do find the personal stuff often most alluring. Kind of like going on a journey... with the person who wrote it down.

Now, when the personal aspects fall away, i usually don't feel Drawn to follow a persons story. The opposite can also arise; totally narcissistic people, who are all about themselves, like a wannabe kind and queen, is one of the most unsexy, most uninteresting things to follow.

I really couldn't care less. Because then there is really everything just about Barbie. *hurrk*


Social media is a no-go for me.

The way people portrait themselves today, is just... oh my gaaad. It's like Me-Myself-and-I by 1500%, with thick lips and... well, I can't shake off the feeling of extreme self-fixation trying to become a Self evident art for all. The shallowness is just staggering - even when the photos are pretty, glossy and all that stuff. Or the photos are so primitive, that the self-fixated person didn't even try to make better photos, but all Selfies are "oh yeah, wow". Or she/he thinks it is.

It is a Pity. Because doesn't all this turn us into becoming more "unfriendly", less interested in other people ? Kind of the opposite of what millions desperately try to do, to syphone admirer's energy ? Literally living for it, consuming it. Becoming dependent on it/them ?

Sounds horrible to me. And exhausting, how people have changed. and young ones think it goes like that, in a sort of... perhaps living for and in an alternative digital reality. Until reality bits you in the ass, and you wake up. How many face operations and suctions later, comes the insight - what matters and what not ? When you give way for you heart's voice, telling you what life is in yours. All the BS that is not, hits you gently though the skin from below.


Yet, honest/real personal thoughts

and emotions written down - can be really interesting to read. Here i miss that in others. I find it very interesting to follow a persons inner thoughts and reflections. Unfortunately I am or have become far too much of a geek in my own Diary here, which has pushed away the more intimate aspects... The best aspects, are perhaps just my photography. Which can be enjoyed without you need to read the text. That's isn't too bad.

When things happen in my life, i often feel that I don't really want to write about it (anymore). Or let me say; i want to - but often choose not to. At least not much. Nor as deep or detailed.

When a conflict affects or involves other people Sal and I know, or even between him and I... it has gotten increasingly more difficult for me to write about it. Because sometimes I wonder - if I write about my thoughts about him, at my age - what am i giving energy to ? If i write a lot about conflicts for example - don't I feed them, by writing even more about it ?

I am not sure.

Sometimes it helps to write about what feels important in a persons life. But when you do it often, perhaps "it binds you" to the drama you're writing about too often ?

I have thought of that many times - but without any clear answers. There is no rule. I believe it is good to write a Diary. But without letting it "take over too much". So, exercise in writing down thoughts is a good thing. And one day, you leave the boat that rescued you over a story river. You don't continue to carry that boat on your should on land...

- 158 -