What a lady !

Back in the days, when she was in Stockholm. I remember thanks to Daniel my second husband, he told me about her having a performance at the Stockholm Kulturhuset under the Fringe Festival "STOFF", would perform her show there.

I don't think people realized that she was in town - because in the large cinema room, there were only something like 8 people.


Remembered as evil "Diana" in "V"

Of course, she was and is mostly remembered for her uncanny roll as the evil "Diana", the Lizard Queen in the TV-Series that was a major hit in the early 80s. And it was mesmerizing - i remember it myself as a 19 year old, when the series was on TV in Sweden, in 1985. We recorded it - and I watched it like 100 times, at least.

I don't know why it was so strong - but it was amazing, weird, scary and made with high quality (the first 5 parts). But all the following series after the "Final Battle" - was like a weak, pale soap opera which had lost it's genius. Well, i watched it anyway. If you are a "V" fan, you stay a "V" fan, I guess.

It surely made a huge impact, and there are phrases, i never forgot since 1985. I can them still. Some of them are on our bathroom wall now *LOL*


Fringe Festival "STOFF" in Stockholm Aug 2013

Now when Jane Badler performed at STOFF in Stockholm on 22 Aug 2013 - it was a totally different story and had nothing to do with the "V" series. I also remember strange, interesting vibes i got from her and her performance, as if she wanted to tell a story . A darker story about being in Hollywood in the 80s and early 90s ... in which she was just seen as another "dumb blonde". One part who seeks for love - and finds kind of... everything else, including the ugly, but not love.

That takes energy, it consumes. Well Hollywood uses and trashes people... especially beautiful women - and Jane Badler was stunning beautiful. She still is as an elderly woman, and she works with her body, her looks, her art together with others. And she isn't ashamed of it. No, she punches it. I would say she is a woman who loves to use her looks, body and art, to play with it - have fun with it. And appears not to take her too seriously.

I admire that. A woman with balls, and brain.


Inner sensations which didn't have words (yet)

I didn't understand everything back then in 2013 - from the songs. Instead i had a lot of inner sensations - like a story that wished to be spoken, sung and told. I wrote about those sensation in my private Diary (XPan.se) - at that time... (Actually it triggered funny subtle changes in myself in regard towards my husband Daniel and all that stuff that dwelled in the unknown, and had already reached a strange level, but i wasn't really aware of those changes. I sensed them, but part of my mind, didn't acknowledge them.

So, sitting there listening to the music of Jane Badler, her story from her life in Hollywood... set in motion a chain of subtle events in me... kind of like a first seed of power taking root. The power of shedding off what has become untrue and stale. To give birth to a future which contains more real life, instead of a marriage that had turned into... I don't know what to call it back then in 2013... a sort of... well, it wasn't real anymore, for neither me nor Daniel. And honesty was not his strength when he "turned in his personality into some weird dualistic nature" - while still living in Stockholm.


Kind of reflecting something more to the story

During Jane Badler's performance - and I was only what.. .2-3 meter away from her. A lot of subtle things where happening. At the stage as well in me. Kind of like a parallel "story"; She with her past, and I somehow also started to reflect (albeit I wasn't really sure what was going on in me, at that stage). I just felt it, but didn't understand what it was that sat in motion (and would unfold during the next 6 month).

There was power... the kind of power of a woman, to penetrate what is false, in order to fight her way though weird life period, flanked of success and false promises. To penetrate that veil of appearances and hidden longing, but in the wrong places - yet i believe the hearts intelligence does want to nudge a human being, towards a more real, more honest life... and it can be all playful and everything.

But sometimes the mind keeps you from awakening, of that you live in a sort of... clamshell illusion (such as Hollywood). So, experiences still had to be made ,in order to realize, what a woman wants, and what she chooses to reject. For the right reasons. That takes a good while. It likely leaves traces of disappointments and pain - and you gradually start to realize a bit, the falsehood in the wake of shiny spit lights an success. All the illusions of it. It also has a vert dark side. When you are young in the 70s and 80s, among "skilled" men in Hollywood who promises you whatever, in particularly when you are a stunning beautiful woman.

"skilled" men (or should I say, 'beautiful assholes' can say anything just to get between your legs. I am sure it was more common than not back in the 70s and early 80s. Slam bam, Thank you ma'm). And everything in between extremes.


Hollywood - Tabula Rasa

So, I would think that when a woman - a being - deep down longs for something more real... Then questions arise. Experiences are being made. And somewhere a longing for something that is more her real self, something that rings more true than Hollywood's private and public constructed of life... which is a let's face it - a chimera. A tabula Rasa.


Back in my Diary in 2013

What i wrote back then into my Diary here in 2013 (whose contents I have erased a longer time ago) - the contents of that was somehow transmitted to her - and she responded to it, on her own homepage.

As if she was confirming, that what I sensed about her journey rang true. Because when she was on stage, she was not just telling a sad story our of her life from Hollywood - it was also a lot about finally coming to her own powers, on her own premises. Kind of giving Hollywood and the men in it, the boot. The finger. And finally starting that road of self realization, doing what she wanted to do. Learning her own skills of what is possible and also getting away from the "Diana" in "V" image - for which she got worldwide fame.


A silent process - seeds of changes

So, somehow for me it was a bit like a process - less in words and more like "seeing with the eyes "behind the retina". More about me sensing things and then reflecting about it, while her aura was still connected with me.

When i say this, i mean - you know- when you see a life performance, you get "encapsulated" from the "spirit" of that event, the people in it, their performances. It gives an almost physical, tangible feeling inside of you, which you carry with you a couple of days - before it starts to fade - and the rest is just an echo in your head.

But feeling it still inside, makes it easier to dress those sensations into words. What I am doing right now, is trying to form words from the memory of my head, 10 years later. I don't carry the physical-psychological-presence of her performance in me, the same way i did the days back in Aug 2013.

So i write out of memory and how i look at it today, so to speak. Again, I would have to go back to what i really wrote back then - because I barely remember my own words (I never go back and read what I have written....).


Beyond what meets the eye

So: You (she) radiates though a performance something that goes deeper than what meets the eye. And there was definitely a sad, partially very dark, as well ironic life story embedded i the story she told though her music, voice and body language while performing. Yet, the "output" from it all, i perceived as powerful - and a woman which has come home into her own skin. And has FUN with it. When you carry your skin with a quality of presence.

That is powerful, is it not ? It feels more real to be in ones own skin, finally. Compared to the version ones was let's say 30-40 years earlier. I too can only confirm that i love to be older. Maybe i don't like my looks so much, but that's because I am a bit lazy to do something about the extra kilos *LOL* Those always dag down looks when you are middled aged. It makes in a man the difference between handsome and "opa/old dad" look.

Both Sal and I now carry too many kilos (like 10-13 kilo) - and that leave traces in our looks which makes us look more... elderly, than it has to. Without too many kilos, most man actually look handsome high up into their age.

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