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So, there it is again. From an originally short version I wrote on the previous page, to a much, much longer version after i came home from work around 03.00
I sometimes get irritated why i am so frikking roundabout, long-whining. People give a fuck about what I think, feel or illustrate. Just to begin with, you know - what does it even matter.
Also sometimes I am sick and tired of myself, the way i feel i have NOT developed in my creation of this Personal Diary - just seem to go on an on and on - as if i am some kind of dumb fuck, so dwells about the past, and does nothing else than either bitching, or endlessly writing about cameraz and lenzzez.
OK, It's a bit over the top expressed. But something in that direction, I think is correct.
Not really pleased about my Diary Homepage
Still - I do have moments, where I feel something of an identity crisis about my Personal Diary here. I have felt this for many month lately. And perhaps is another reason why I took the chance, in this unexpected development in receiving a letter from people who claim to be family or associates to Olof T who suddenly died in May 2021 - and wanted me to remove content about him. not exactly explaining what exactly made them feel uncomfortable... if it was my writings and speculations about his premature death, or my memories of Olof from the past. It was not clear to me, which part, or even all of it they meant to be removed.
Gone is all content of 2019-2023
So, i took the chance to erase the whole content of 2019 until 2023 from my homepage. Because... I do that from time to time- I think it is a good thing. (It is also my way to take back my power, as this is my decision, and not a result of a threat somebody felt entitled to utter against me - and i have to obey).
If i do something - I only do it by free will !
You can bring a horse to the water place - but you cannot make it drink if it doesn't want to.
Think about that for a change.
Stained feeling
I feel that my old Diaries tend to get "stained" over time. Like an old relic, or dinosaur becoming obsolete - because if you read about things and people from a long time ago - what good does it do to read it "here in now" - when it is already passed many years ago ?
They are in truth, long gone. Their / our actions long gone. The dynamic of it all - including the entanglement in it - is long gone. It all doesn't serve any purpose, to read about it in the presence to today - because the energy of the written words, their original meaning, the contents - are sort of "stained". Non valid (for today).
So, i like the thoughts of erasing contents after 5 years, and start fresh.
Not that I planned to do this - not even in the first moments when i received the letters. Yet this situation kind of comes in handy, even stimulated me to think in that direction. Like - maybe it is about time (again), to take the old content away, I thought.
25 Years of Personal Diary content online ?! No, thanks.
I wouldn't want to have all my Diary content left here. I mean everything I have written since the day i created my Personal Diary back in Aug 2000 - almost 25 years ago.
That stuff, is kind of... really long gone. Those thoughts, feelings and reflections from that time are not valid, because even I have changed in the way how i think, feel and resonate (I mean in truth; which not always is reflected in my written words here).
In my Diary i tend to bitch more, and write less about all the nice events and meetings, and inner/outer developments in me, or between people, relationships etc. My Diary does give a wrong impression of what really is - and what isn't anymore.
Reality vs Diary -
what a strange difference of communication
My reflections in real life, as well how I speak and communicate to/with other people in real life - are highly different and far more balanced and respectful - compared to how I write here in my Diary !! I surprise myself quite often in the reality communication with other people, in which I am often positive tilted - yet without being shy of the truth, illumination an understanding for various and different perspective people can have on things - and not shy either to exercise critic. However the critics needs to be a matter of having "meat on the bones", and not be based on some mood swings. So, I reason often well, and have no problems in communicating with other people in real life (on a mutual exchange, I mean)
So, what the fuck went wrong in my Diary ?!
When Sal and I talk seriously with one another - the talk is certainly far more balanced, deeper and has a sense of good reasoning - as well much easier to understand each other despite complexity in a subject. Yet, when I write here - it is like... what ? An ego trip ? I really don't know, to be honest. But boy, it has been bugging me for a long time !
Something essential appears to be missing in my written Diary. And that sucks to be really honest. I also don't understand that i sometimes tend to "fall back" into some sort of negative tilted "nostalgia" and "story telling". Which in the previous entry, I called as "the ego's stories".
Most of the old info about people, told though my filters and opinions - are pretty unnecessary. I mean, what the fuck, Ralf. Why do I have to re-tell stories anyway ? What is it, which starts that chain ? Is it the newly scanned photos i have not looked at for 30 years, never worked with - and i get somehow triggered or overwhelmed with emotions. Controlling me, rather the other way around ?
I need to investigate that. I want to know that very FIRST moment where it begins to slide. The point where the snow boll into starts rolling down the mountain.
What is the subtle trigger... |
