Photo Studio

As scanning 120-film negatives now has me totally in its grasp - old images are starting to come to the fore i have not scanned before (or only in much lower resolution). It is an endless activity, believe me... Semi-fun, sometimes not at all, because there are many images that bore me to even deal with / scanning them... But once a photo has been restored, dust particles been removed, and contrast and silver grain has been groomed - a photo then shine brighter, simply looking better again.
It is of course about memories, too. But scanning them, is for me surprisingly boring many times. Sometimes I think i only did good photos during a few years in my home studio.
All "Studio Photography" happened in there
Which by the way, is exactly that room you see in the main photo above. It is almost impossible to think that all studio photography was done in that tiny room... with studio flashes, background paper and mediumformat cameras like Mamiya RZ67 (6x7) and Mamiya C330 (6x6)
And boy was i slim in the photo. It was the winter of 2002-03, when i had my second lowest weight, due to two failed love affairs, i remember. So, it went down to something like 72 kilo. And when I met Perry, i gained weight up to 88 kilo within a year. Until separation, when i went down to 75 kilo again.
*LOL*
Serious heart breaks where my most effective diet.
Well, it was a side effect, not a goal at all. I would just lose appetite and eat very little. Worst drop was in 1994 Olof T - when i dropped down to 66 kilo, as i worried myself sick about his sudden absence out of the blue for 6 week; no words, nothing. Totally unavailable - just like that. I never understood the reason for it, and he never spoke about it either, except a postcard he once sent, saying that we was lying lazy at the beach in Southern Sweden. Puss & Kram. (Kiss & Hugs).
It was a "What The Fuck" moment.
Spoiled brat.
It looks so small
Strange that the rolled up background paper, looks so small. I mean it is 2.75 meter. Same like in our current apartment. And yet, it looks as if barely anything would fit...
So strange.
What sucks, too
are the memories, while scanning old negatives. I can't avoid to think in many ways, roads, paths... reflecting. Emotions back then vs emotions and thoughts now. Honestly, i can't say that i am any wiser when i think of the past. At the same time, i am aware that these are stories. The mind encapsulates them, hold them "dear" (in good and in bad), but ultimately they mean nothing once the spirit is speed from it's earthly shell. And yet, i also know that these "memories" and "stories" are a part of the lessons.
It is just i can't truly 100% say If i have done my lessons, and really understand the many levels beyond what the mind, thought and memories tell me. It is as if we are prevented from actually understanding the real underpinnings, behind all the stories we often cling to.
So, i am highly ambivalent about everything. I also sense that these "stories" tend to bob around deep down in the psychological mind.
I call them "stories" because they are tales, personal imprints which additionally also get altered along the road of earthly life. Plus of course the imprints that where made when they happened, which where highly colored by one's mind set, emotional setup and the stripes of the earliest past, which colors how we look at people, and perceive their actions in our lives. As do they, too, of course.
But what exactly am i supposed to learn from this ? To me, all the memories, all the encounters, all the loves and heart breaks... i can't really say 100% sure, that i really come to a conclusion. To an end. I often feel like, they never seem to end - until the day i die - then the stories of the mind - end. As if they fulfilled their purpose. Like a background along of one life.
But what purpose ? And which are the alterations in those memories. Which encounters and experiences served as a "honey trap" in life, preventing us from seeing more clear. Did they contribute to that we do see clearer later in life ? or did they happen, in order to trap the mind along the later road ?
I really can't say that i understood the purpose of it all.
But i understand at nothing is a coincidence, either. Things don't just happen... And we don't just meet all people; we meet certain people in life. A whole range of people, which somehow appear to have a key(s), which we out to explore later... As we pose to be keys in their life. Playing both the good guy, as well the bad guy in other people's lives.
All serve together as lessons to be soul.
I just wished that I would understand it better, without that the personal stories contaminate my thinking / clear mind. Or is the problem that my mind tries to rationalize things ? Trying to find boxes, in which I can put people into, adding finite labels on them ? Wouldn't that be both "easy" and convenient ? Probably too convenient - albeit i believe that most people in the world, do exactly that. And i am no exception.
Well, but that doesn't sound like i am a guy who learned his lessons... 
Boy. All that talk. All the reflections. And the kilometers of diary text along many decades...
What is it for, really ? Does it free up ? Does it trap ?
I don't know.
Anyway
Scanning older negatives always poses these journeys - and the onset of thoughts, memories, reflections and emotions - are always deeper and more than i would like to. It is almost as if i have to fight with myself, to get the job (scanning negatives) done.
An Organic Portal ?
I am not a drone type of person. (Curiously, when I think of Perry, i sometimes got the impression - as i looked at the negatives) that he was more a drone-like person. I mean, sure he had emotions etc - but also something 2drone-like. Something automatic... Worked probably very well as a soldier, servant, and spy/secret service type of activities.
And yet, there is something essential missing. Like a soul who lives on behalf of human conditions - but something is missing; a higher faculty, beyond the physical realm of existence. Well, then that would be more like an organic portal. Human like in every aspect. Intelligence and social behavior all present - but at the same time, something is quietly off.
A reliable grunt. Drone. Servant. Military. Employee. Office. Institutions. Organizations. Working reliable and accordingly. Slightly Machine-like performance - works every time. Probably takes every jab, too.
Uh dear.
Can be very sexual too - in a sort of "straight cut way". Something to flee into. Organic portal seems indeed fitting. For organic portals, divinity and spirit are just concepts, but not really tangible in their perception.
People without spirit ? Stage actors ? |