I have been scanning BW and color negative films in mediumformat for a couple of days, and brought it up to 100 films altogether. And yet, it still feels like an endless journey. But the fun part is, that images i sometimes felt were either not worth, or too difficult to make prints from - are now shining in the finest quality possible. It is simply easier with the sleeve of digital tools today, to make a color negative shine.

After a whopping 31 years...

 

The Cat comes alive

It was January 1994, and that was a very creative two months - together with Olof T - which too showed his creative side, even took part in some darkroom work. It was a very dear few month, in which we perhaps both met half way as a couple.

 

Creative time together with Olof T.

I am sure that he often felt... I wasn't the kind of partner to be with, because deep down i sensed that i wasn't the kind of guy who satisfied that hole in his heart. Sometimes i think the death of his father from cancer - which Olof attributed to the stuff his father dealt with in a factory (strong chemicals). It may have left behind a secret longing, of something, diffuse and yet persistent - unspoken - a mix of sorrow, feeling of having been abandoned, a feeling of longing after something or someone special. But who can fulfill that what somebody isn't putting finger on ?

There are just my private, thoughts. Olof T. and I never really spoke about this. I sometimes wonder how open and honest we were to each other. I never got the impression that he spoke about what truly moved his heart and mind. He was always so veiled, kind of mysterious about it / himself. Even played on it - something I didn't really understand, why one would do that.

I often haf the feeling that he played a roll, like an actor. But it had the effect of what I didn't really knew who Olof was, and had this ambivalent "dual" feeling in meetings with him. I think that lead into that i didn't take him seriously, either... ?

He did actually dreamed of being an actor... (after having worked now and then as a model during earlier years). Later he creating this first theater play called "The Dove", which started in Aug 1994, and then probably gave it a real try on stage somewhere after Jan 1995.

We already had broken up.

 

Too different ?

Of course - I was most likely not the type guy people / guys thought or expected I would be. Simply not the Blondie, cutie, entertaining light guy. Instead with a head filled with... a lot of things, ideas, opinions... passions. I also believe that when i was 29 back then, photography took a far too large part in my life, and it might also have overshadowed the relationship with Olof T. That it was too much of it.

I think i was at it almost all the time... In a way pretty selfish when I think about it. Or at least, too fixated on my interests while in a relationship. Of course we met in photography, too. That's actually how we met in the end of Summer 1993.

He absolutely loved the camera ! Was attracted by it - and the results that came out of our work together. But even that has its boundaries; I am sure he had a deep desire to express his own arts, interests and wanted to develop them.

I am sure I wasn't the right guy, who actively supported him (perhaps neither understood, either).

At least, that's how i see at it. It is not that often i really put words on what the relationship between Olof and I was - in a deeper sense I mean. I often have feelings that bring me to certain "waves" of insights - that maybe could (if i used words) describe the unspoken underpinnings of our relationship.

Despite we had some wonderful, kind of exciting shorter periods, i don't think we were meant for each other, not in any way "good" for each other. No, that sounded stupid.

I mean, that neither of us had enough space for the other one to develop on the paths of choice.

 

The aspect of daring to be honest

I just wished he would been more honest. Instead he entangled himself into lies and actions, which also become lies, when you don't speak about them - but affected our relationship. I would have appreciate honesty. It is better, no matter what fault / action / the other one does.

Be honest - and that can clear up many things in life. Bring better understanding to the differences the other one has, or longs for. Even if that isn't in the goal of a relationship, or things that moves both into different directions. I still think it is way more developing for soul and personality, to be honest. Even in words that may not fall into the frame of ones wishes.

Be honest.

 

Anyway.


During these months
(Jan-March 1994)

we really did a lot together - and it was really, really fun. I had the feeling of that we - perhaps for the first time - and only time, met each other on equal levels. I still have tons of film negatives to scan with Olof in it.

Strange how all these images come to life. A half life later...

So strange.

 

The Cat series

which was basically just a test drive when i was bored (?) in January 1994 - which however then lead to a lot of similar experiments with Olof, partially with make-up.

We had so much fun with it !!


Page 29 • Year 2025