It is kind of "funny"...

I whine about my photography - while at the same time, I am into it more than ever. Given the activities i have been doing with in many areas - i can't really claim to be inactive !

So, why do i have that feeling of being "inactive" ?

I guess it is an inner feeling. Or perhaps a feeling of "not being enough", or "not being active enough". Perhaps of "not doing well enough ?"

Perhaps i am ruled by an inner perception which is twisted / guided in a wrong way ? You know, sometimes we do things because something subtle is pushing us, without actually knowing what the core of that "push" is (because we never get fully aware of the drive that fuels us, alternative indoctrinates certain thoughts and beliefs in us from within).

I often dream about asking people if I can take portraits of them in the studio - while at the same time, I am also struggling with actually asking that / planning for it. There is clearly something in me, that also works against it. So, i feel "lazy, failed", "delayed infinitively" etc ? Or i get fueled with thoughts of "I don't dare".

Strange inner workings, i have to say. Human yes, but still strange.

A woman photographer's touch

I am sure I would have better answers, if i would have a network of similar minded people, or people who are creative active, for example within photography. I am sure women photographers would have a good way to describe their inner workings in words; what drives them, what fuels them, what hinders them. Plus that i believe they are several notches less into geek talk about photographic equipment. (Which to a male mind like mine, would be such a refreshing to exchange thoughts which do not revolve around photo equipment and stuff. To hear more about a woman's touch in photography. How they go along in their creative whereabouts).

Building Resistance

Perhaps i am struggling with inner resistance / obstacles because I know, when I have people in the studio (as an example) - the whole work before, during and after - is a lot more than what meets the eye. It often causes an extremely exhausting energy drain in me. Don't get me wrong. I love the work, when I work. When interacting with people in the studio. It is fun as it is challenging.

Back in the 90s

I know this from the 90s, when everything was analog. Which involved even more work. The photo sessions with friends - I felt entirely exhausted mentally / energy-wise.

Then of course comes all the practical work afterwards; many film rolls needed to be developed, whether black & white or in color - I would do it all manually at home at the kitchen sink *LOL* Contact prints to me made, and then working for 8-10 hours in the darkroom, in order to make more final prints (e.g. including prints for the people who voluntarily sat model, of course).

Behind all the joy and enthusiasm i really felt - was also an increasing stress from within. I think it was many years later, I felt that more and more. Making me ambivalent about my photo studio adventures. Because, frankly spoken - i was simply not sure where I was heading in all of that.

I love to have done everything

I did together with other people in my primitive photo studio. Many portrait sessions - especially now seeing them 30 years later - are simply wonderful executed, with high quality and nice touch, as well fine mutual connections with the involved.

So, I didn't "cheat" technically. I did ground up good work and the film negatives still hold up well when I scrutinize them today, decades later. That makes me feel good, to be honest.

Enthusiasm, curiosity, as well burning interest in wanting to see the results - was a strong power. Seeing and judging negatives after development - and then making the final prints, coming fresh from the darkroom. It was lovely ! And stressful. And everything else. Of course I was in it with my whole heart... !

Those periods between flow and downs

Sometimes I felt I was in a flow during weeks - and then there where many weeks, even month, in which I felt i didn't do anything. Another very strong drive, was that I constantly competed in photo competitions in Sweden and in Germany. Got almost 100 publications though those 15 years in various magazines. It was a way to get some sort of confirmation, of that I did good/creative work. That really kept me going almost all the time during the 90s. Especially in the German magazines, my work was appreciated - and i often won the first prize.

It was also highly motivating, to work according themes. Each magazine often had certain themes. I would then sit down, drive "associations charts" - in order to see how i could interpret those themes into photo works. Preferably in ways that where a bit unusual or different. And i would go into the darkroom make many prints, and sending them on their way...

It was both fun, and stressful.

I suspect that my boyfriends perhaps where not so delighted, because my mind was likely too much focused on photo all the time. While it might been charming to them in the beginning, as they often themselves became motives in my photography - but over time, i would think, it turned in to the opposite; kind of exhausting...

It is my guess.

Didn't really reveal their inner rooms...

People, including boyfriends usually didn't really reveal their inner most thought and true feelings. Especially not when they turned irritated or even sour.

So, it can't be dealt with. Until it is too late, things had gone too far. Too late to solve the knots. How can you... Because honesty is still one of the utmost best ways, to make dark trolls burst when exposed to sunlight. But when parters do not dare, or avoid to talk about what they really think and feel, or disturbs them - then you can never truly meet and solve the knots together.

Those knots then harden, and spread under the surface. Distances are being built - but the problems are never really been talked about. And so, just another relationship goes down the drain.

I am sure, that relationships today might be even more complicated as well shallow, once conflicts arise. When i sometimes experience attitudes among partners, how easily one gets ticked off for the simplest of reasons - then I sometimes have to roll my eyes. People today can turn into flames for almost nothing...

But where is that going ? Is it even going ?!

It ain't no art to "love"

and being together when things are good, happy and life appears to be a dance on clouds. Sure, it is all fine and dandy - but not as strongly relevant in truth of living. Something else is:

Thresholds come to the fore, when conflicts arise - showing what is - and everything that isn't. After all - it takes Two to Tango. There is no true one man show, even if it sometimes appear to be the case.

In a relationship you are FOUR ENTITIES !

Two Hearts. And two Egos.

That's a hell lot of dancing.

Working night shifts

Now today, as I work real night-shifts on steady, fixed basis - which is a delight, given that those jobs at the metro are rare. At the same time, it is rather difficult to take part of social life during daytime.

Simply because i often sleep / need to sleep. I absolutely love my working schedule. But it isn't an easy schedule to combine with social life during daytime. Because I almost never make it "into daytime". (it takes time to wake up and feel inspired to do photo creative work. This does not come with a switch that can be turned on demand. As much as i try to cheat that sometimes - it doesn't work for me in real life.

Late evening work schedules

The best working schedule are late evenings (1900-0230). Those jobs, allow you still to take part of daylight activities and meeting in the afternoon. You don't need to switch your sleeping rhythm into the opposite in order to participate on free days in daylight activities.

Unfortunately the company has destroyed the schedule during the latter years, by mixing in extra early and long work days on the last day before you are off duty; suddenly starting 15.30-00.50 instead of 1900-0230. That puts the heaviest work load right prior your single free day.

So, there is that. Which is plain stupid.

But stupid is not an uncommon occurrence among companies and planning these days.

I went off that schedule as soon they destroyed it like that, and settled for true night-shifts. Nowadays none of the nights shift. I always start around the same time every night. That gives good stability and rhythm. But it does not combine well with private life. Because; my free days are literally free nights. That's the time in my rhythm, even when i am off duty.

Which makes daytime activities often not possible. Except in summer when the light in Stockholm shines for 18 hours, even i get to see some of it.