Another out of many images taken in 1988 that I can't remember where i took them.

It appears to me, that 1988 is one kind of a year I often neglected. Even photographic - i rarely scanned negatives from 1988. As if avoiding that time. You know; like forgotten. Wrapped into a dark corner. Left behind. Don't wanna see, think or get in touch with.

It was a really shit year. With shit people in it. Well the whole end of the 80 i felt was highly ambivalent, complicated and complex in my life. As if getting disappointed of life itself.

Thinking "Is that it?!"

I guess i must have had infantile images of how life would be. Stockholm. Gay. People. Relationships. Honesty vs fooling people. Outer vs inner intentions. Real vs fake.

Stuff like that.

But above all, I didn't really understand myself; the more serious inner workings, rolls and whereabouts. I had no real conceptions nor tools for it all (yet).

Road of Life. Lessons not yet understood

But - my life just didn't take off at all, no matter how much I tried to get to a point where I could say, I am managing fine in this life. I felt more like a buoy in a vast ocean, bobbing around. But I am also sure, that this wasn't exactly visible on my outside at all. Often lively, spontaneous, charming - and perhaps at times a bit tricky. But you would see the depth not the heaviness inside of me. I looked like a charming light blond.

Nobody was seeking depth behind such a face.

The way I looked upon myself, was certainly very quirky and complicated, too. Naive, fun, curious - but also very troubled at times which I was hiding away a lot. (The kind of inner, heavy, moody existence). Like a huge stone constantly burdening my heart, while walking around in life and among people, as if nothing really happened.

Well, had (and still have) a very strong tendency to light up quickly, as soon i would meet people, whether at work or elsewhere. Also; I am very intense ! I still have that, today, regardless how heavy i feel on the inside - i light up in contact with other people. There is a spontaneous, genuine deep joy attached, for example when i meet my colleagues. So, I lit up even back then, almost instantly.

But that inner burden... that heavy stone... never seemed to lit off my chest.

Hell, in 1988 I didn't even know what a depression truly was at the core. Which is strange - because i wasn't exactly a dumbass. But depression was a rather elusive word... It wasn't until i read a book in June 1991 called "Den sunda depressionen / The Healthy Depression", which gave me a lot of insight about the psychological workings under the hood.

But also the dangers in when not letting things heal (giving them some time), because we tended always to stress and run away from inner workings. Very insightful book. It helped me tremendously to understand more about the underpinnings in the human psyche, and many things from my past, started to make a lot better sense. But that was in 1991.

In 1988 i just felt shit at times, burdened by an accumulating sorrow which just got harder and harder. Photography certainly helped me to relieve things. Or perhaps to run away, too ?

Decades later

I find it much more difficult to put those memories and feelings into words today. I can't feel that devotion in emotions (from the 80s) in me today. I remember of course plenty of memories and finer details. But not that innerfeleing; all the troubled emotions from within - in order to pinpoint them in words today. So, when I still write about a problematic time from my past - i feel like i am writing in a rather hllow, superficial style. But I can't feel those intense emotions today. It feels forfeit.

My god, soon i can say "a half century ago".

WHAT THE FUCK ?!!?

How did that happen ?

*LOL*