Rain Cyclone development

We are residing within a relatively flat cyclone located over Sweden, which is more or less stationary - wedged between warmer air in the south, and colder air in the north. There is a small window of milder air still with us, a so called warmair sector, albeit all overcast over Stockholm. So, in a way, it is still mild with 10°C.

Oh speaking of the predicted 18°C yesterday under an overcast sky ? Didn't happen.

I think SMHI was way to opimistic in that regard. We brought it to a short peak of 13°C. And that was it.

Early spring this year !

With cyclone ends the warm weather from the past days, which brought early spring to our reign. If some trees normally started to unfold their leafs, in average around 1 May at my balcony.... This happened already on 13-14 April.

It is actually the ifrst time in at least 15 years, this happen. All other times seemed either choose 1 May to unfold their leafs, and then it got later and later (5-6 May). Except for April 2025 with an "unusual" early date.

I can only speak from the time since Aug 2011, when we moved to Snösätra in the southern suburbs. With a balcony and huge mounts of green in front of you - you learn to study natures behviour; the trees, the bushes, the cherry blossoms, and so on. Or when the pine trees don't feel so good, stressed from too little water. Things like that come natural.

Living 15 years in Snösätra
vs. 18 yrs at Nynäsvägen Highway 300

I can't believe that I have been living in Snösätra since 2010 - which makes it now 15 years ! Soon this time will exclipse the residence where I lived the longest in my life; at Nynäsvägen Highway 300, in Enskede - not far away from the Globe Arena. There i had lived for 18 years (feb 1992 - July 2010).

It was my first apartment on permanent basis in Stockholm since i emigrated to the city in 1984 coming from West Berlin.

It took 8 years to find an apartment

So, it took me 8 years living in Stockholm, to get an apartment of my own. I took the first best - without even thinking from my lovely neighbour Evy - which moved to the next house, to the lowest level. Great woman - I liked her a lot ! Kind from the first moment - and we kept loosely in touch over some years until she passed away (i assume).

Nynäsvägen Highwa: love/hate relationship

The location at the highway was a love-hate relationship. With 100.000 cars swooping though every single day - i was one of Stockholm major highways - right at your doorstep, cutting Enskede in half. It used to be a silent, wonderful area of Stockholm with many single houses / simple wooden villas, where the workers used to live in the 40s, 50s, 60s and 70s.

The highway brought HALF of the world's "population" passing by in those years i lived there. Image that for a moment, how many cars in 18.5 years that passed by in total.

Car Noise would always seep though.

The ventilation was... non existent. Having only windows towards the front of the house, meant that when summer time got warmer (since 1994 with the "summer of the century"), the heat never went out of the apartment in July 1994. Even at night it was still 29-30°C warm, desite having all windows open. Per-Olof, my friend at the time, installed a fan at the sealing, jsut to have some kind of air movement giving some relief...

Never ending high noise, day and night. I think it was only aroud Easter early in the morning - without any car nearby... when you could hear some birds on the other side near the only tree my eyes could see from the windows. And a fan from a building sounding...

When you opened the windows during daytime, and somebody was in the door frame, you couldn't hear what was said...

Not fun !

Old glass in the windows

Talk about black soot coming though every little crack in the window. And a constant high noise - which by the way never was isolated. The window glass had only 2 layers, and i could tell that the glass itself was very old. It had many ripples and seem to be thicker on the lower side compared to the upper side. Yes, even glass moves over time. At least the one that was used a long time ago.

Room with a window

So, I had highly mixed feeling about my apartment. It was both a great freedom - while at the same time also a source of grief and isolation. Nevertheless, I do believe i used it creatively. The lack of outlook other than a frikkin Highway, often made me go out taking images, with and without tripod. MY apartment was never renovated - so all the stuff in there was at the end 35 years old, without the landlord ever did anything about the degrading conditions.

I think i did as best I could. But I also had periods in which i let everything just go. This was also my apartment in which i started to make my own prints, in a tiny darkroom, which became the cradle of everything i ever made in terms of handmade prints in order to participate in many photo competitions in Sweden and Germany, as well becoming the main spot of my studio photography. It all happened in a tiny, one room apartment.

Gosh, what a strange place that was.

As I mentioned before; it was a love/hate relationship I had with this apartment. Including the personal phases from still somewhat younger-hood, to adulthood. And everything in between. So, i was 26 when i moved in, and 44 when I moved out.

Sign of freedom

After 8 years of never having a space o my own since childhood and Berlin, I finally had it. It was march 1992, and the first thing I did, was to pain the whole apartment in pastel colors, the landscape of Egypt, with Pyramids. Going from the floor upwards with warm sand tones, going into cool tones of the blue sky. Then i used some old acrylic colors, and put my hands around the ring at the sealing, as a symbol of freedom.

It wasn't "rainbow colors" because of being gay. I never thought of that. It was more my love for colors. At that time, the colors where politically free, untainted and far away from the mess of today.

The colors where just my expression of joy, which I wanted to be visible. Finally having have a place of my own, after what felt like an endless journey since the time i run away from my parents in West-Berlin at the age of 15 (close to 16) in year 1982.

So, this was 10 years later, so to speak.

I did however already have work since 1987 at the Saltsjöbana local railway in East Stockholm. First as a conductor, and then from 1990 as a train driver.

What a journey

And yet that journey of adulthood only had begun... Living in Stockholm, which was very different in mentality compared to 2025 ... The City and the people in it, had its own perks. As a gay guy - especially towards the end of the 80s, I can't really say that it was fun. It was rather confusing, shallow and not quite what I had expected. But of i say "shallow", then shallowness of people in 2025, is enormous, compared to what was in the end of the 80s - where people actually in hindsight, still were very real, often honest and straight.

Strange, how things can change in hindsight... Perhaps it was my own dilemmas and inner dramas, continuing to unfold my own perks from childhood in Berlin. Then you are suddenly alone in Stockholm, and ... well, now what ? I felt optimistic, at the same time also lost. It created a lot of confusions, inner conflicts and not really knowing what I was, or whom to be. I still had all those projections in me, battling almost daily. Not on the outside - I hated to reveal my innermost feelings. Which is kind of ironic - because I was very communicative at the same time. But not about my innermost dwellings, I supposed. As if ashamed. But ashamed of what ? Well, not having the words for those complicated, complex young adulthood dwellings, makes it difficult to bring forth your case.

And then there was this strong sense of victim hood, like syrup often layering my actions, reflections and the way I saw myself (deep within). I absolutely hated "victim hood". Only to realize very long time later, that it played a strong roll in a long time, the way I lived, resonated, had expectations and hopes. I hated weakness. At the same time, i wanted to be "saved". Talk about Daddy issues, you know. What a hole that created inside of me... my past in Berlin. And the reckless whereabouts from my parents - which was to say mildly, a total psycho drama, a nightmare. A real trauma, that just never seemed to end, from 4 years upwards until i fled my parents home, it was a nightmare.

And then - there were gone out of my life. With that move, their influence was suddenly, literally from one day to the next - all gone. Then you stand there... Now what ?!

On the outside i was a mix between determent and softness. A bit into people's faces, while also being very polite, adaptable top the listener. Quirky, isn't it ? One who was perhaps not that strong - but very stubborn. And i was very intense, lively and brought a lot of light... which impressed on people because I just wasn't like anyone people met before. Yeah, I was that different. But not too different that people would reject me. I guess my looks did help me in that regard, otherwise they would just given me the boot or something. Too charming to refuse. But too "hot" (read; "too complex") for them to stay.

Man, what a frikkin journey. As I said, many perks...

Ultimately you'd say. today:

"It's complicated".
"It was messy".

Orphanage No 2
jan 1982 - apr 1984

This image is one of the extreme few I've got of myself. It's from year 1983, so i was 17. The hat, is made out of cassettes i tor apart in order to make "hair". Like of like a wig. I loved to do spontaneous things. Creative things. I guess it was a way to escape, and snap out of boredom, and inner conflicts. Smile, laughter was strong with me - so I wasn't a sad bag or anything like that. Instead i was almost always shining and supporting other people.

My heart was always honest; i really, really wanted to do the right things in life, both towards myself as much and even more, towards others.

To be truthful. But in order to be truthful - you have to learn to know yourself. Your darkest corners. And your brightest sides. And everything in between - in order to be more the yo, you are from ground up, without expectation what you think you need to be.

So, that takes at least a half life, to pull though. Even when you ego, the willing "assistant" tells you all kind of things.... of what you are, or are supposed to be. The Ego is a damn liar at times, a sneaky friend, and a lousy guide pretending to know better.

To become true, it takes many mistakes, some dramas, and some serious house cleaning along the road of life. Then, gradually, you start to become you.

To become a true human being, is an art. Which can be very messy along the way. But it is still a process one cannot escape from, because it is an essential part of life, and the people in it.

I have never abandoned my inherent desire to be true

Even in dark times, and greatest conflicts, i have remained honest as much as I possibly can. I remember already back in the 80s, that I didn't like the thought of playing other versions of me, because already back then, i felt life was so complicated and complex - how the fuck do you keep track of "different versions" of yourself ? I truly, wanted to be myself. The real me. Or at least as much as i possibly can be in an earthy life.

Of course that didn't fit into many relationships, because many seek quite different things in other people, when they enter a relationship. They are often in for the pleasure, for the visual appearances, for the expectation of ease. and for a thousand other subtle reasons. Not many are in for the real things, or honesty for that matter. Because when saying things honestly - it might hurt feelings, take away illusions, compete with an ego, and all the layers that protect other people for all kinds of reasons, they don't wish to dig in deeper.

Being honest at all times, isn't about being mean in other people's faces all the time. That is exhausting, and violates free will in a domain that is the territory of other people, and yours or mine. So, i made a lot of mistakes, too. You cannot be with YOUR feelings OUT and in OTHER people faces ALL THE TIME. That is not what honesty is about.

It is about daring to be honest; and it begins with yourself. That is the core of everything in the life you live. If you can't be honest about yourself, and you do not understand even your innermost darkest spots - how can you be honest towards others of you don't know the spectrum of your own complexity ? Playing it will not hold up in the long haul.

It isn't about to give off a declaration about yourself in order for others to understand you. It is about you being honest about you inside yourself, and lean from the experience of what you see and notice in there. To observe without to judge. To look at things, without making a big fuzz about it, you know... on the outside "so that Everyone Understands YOUUU the Correct Way".

Because then it would become an Ego thing again. A play.
Which isn't you. I mean, that isn't the real you.

So yes. I starts and ends with yourself.

You grow from it, not though speed and pushes and expectations and make-up videos - but by walking the road of life, with people, and to be be observant within your inner realm as well on the outer realm of life. Again... be honest about your observations. What it is you see, hear, listen into, by reflecting upon it, from time to time Like an inner radar sweep... and see which ping result into an echo.

You would be surprised that many questions are already answered inside of you. But we normally don't listen to that inner vice, but a ego voice with its penetrating "mind-babble" being annoyingly pushy / forced to give answers.

Those are not answers. Those are mind creations, diversions.

The innermost voice, is gentle, beyond the layers of ego - and speak truthful - only truthful, and never forceful. It is like a voice without a voice. A clear kind of resonance, which penetrates all that what is false. At least that's how it feels to me. (Not that I can feel that every time. But i can feel it in important times).

I guess i learned over the years, to listen to what comes from a much much deeper source inside of me. That i call the "wise heart". (I don' mean the squishy, droopy, crying "heart"). I mean instead the center source and connection point of your real You. The life force connection point between You and the Universe so to speak).

That's where the real shit happens !

There is a saying from 'I Ching':

"To the mind that is still - the whole universe surrenders"

And one from Marcel Proust:

"The Real Voyage of Discovery, lies not in seeking new lands - but in seeing with new eyes".

Take note, dude !