I ordered quite a lot of Star Wars figures, but also two X-Men characters like Jean Grey (Phoenix / Dark Phoenix) and Ororo (Storm).

I remember that the Phoenix power, which sometimes turned into an angry Dark Phoenix - always fascinated me when i was younger. I encountered the X-Men the first time when i lived in Fisksätra, 11 km outside of Stockholm back in 1990. I worked as a conductor at the Saltsjöbanan Railway. For unknown reasons i bought a X-Men magazine. The Swedish version was of exceptional good quality - way better than the thin US versions. And in that first magazine, it enabled something in me - a sort of inner magic for the first time.

Adversary - Throwing the World into Chaos

It was the story about Ororo and the goddess Roma, which was hijacked by "Adversary", a deeply corruptive, dark entity - which enslaved reality - by creating also alternative realities which Ororo / Storm together with Forge was supposed to "seed", into a new world of humanity (while the old must die) .

Which she refused after a long inner and outer journey about a year - in that new empty world, where she realized - it was a pristine world - but had neither soul nor spirit.

It was just that - an empty world.

So, she refused to get corrupted by the "Adversary" entity - and threw herself back into the old world - right into chaos - with help of Forge. Our world was in utter chaos, in which even the time lines, past, present and future started to mix, starting in Dallas at Eagle Plaza, threatening the whole world, as it expanded.

With endless amounts of monsters who tried to prevent the X-Men from interfering. It all ended with that the X-Men sacrificed themselves, in order to shut out the "Adversary" entity from all of creation. However, Goddess Roma said, that such an entity, no matter how evil, can't be shut out. Instead it was banned into a different dimension, as punishment. X-Men got resurrected by the Goddess Roma. They also got a present, in now having the advantage not being seen by man-made instruments any longer, which protected their identity in their new adventures.

From the older X-Men Magazines

It was one of those mega stories, which involved most X-Men characters - and was so endlessly fascinating. It really captured me, and i bought the X-Men magazines for several years to come. Over time, I also bought the old X-Men magazines with the older stories about when Jean Grey sacrificed herself on the moon, after that the Phoenix corrupted her. Later the energy got released, returned to earth and found a double which was embedded in the ocean dwelling re-creating Jean Grey.

However, with the dark memories of the "Phoenix" - Jean Grey rejected what it had done in her name. Instead some of the energy then united with the Jean Grey clone "Madeline Pryor", which later turned into Goblin Queen in the very cool cross over story of "INFERNO" involving many different groups within the Marvel Universe.

Sal's X-Men table

Sal actually made a table, which he clad with my old Swedish speaking X-Men comics - turning the old table into a master piece of art here in our home. The comics are protected with a layer of varnish - and acts like our dinner table.

It is truly unique !

Seeds of Creativity awakened

At the same time, once i started to read the X-Men in May 1990 - i also noticed changes to the way i started to experiment in my photography. Earlier i always had the feeling of something essential was missing. Too strict. Too boring. Too shallow. As if i treated photography like something mechanical and strict. Somehow... the spirit within was missing. Something that burns, ignites, illuminates and glows from within - giving expression in photographic creations.

So, somehow this went on in parallel.

Chaos years of 1990-1991

Like with small steps. Insecure, not totally sure - while my life at that time also was thrown into major chaos, one of the darkest chapters in my life. At the same time this chaos started also to create the first step of bringing order from within. Even if that process never really fully ended - but i know that it begun there, with a cascade of excessive creativity in 1990, and then half way into 1991, my life then went into a dark abyss.

A lot of things needed to be addressed - because I didn't see the resemblance between the fate of my mother who killed herself in 1975 - and my own life, looked as if they went the same way. But deeper down, hat was not the path I was supposed to walk on. And in the darkest hours - i started to understand the parallels - and from that moment on, our paths started to separate. With little steps trying to get up again.... which took quite some time.

Oh boy, so much happened in 1990-1991. I call it the Great Depression - because it really went like a fast train through all the layers of my being. Gosh, in the beginning of 1991, i didn't even know what a depression was !

The first tool to work with (June 1991)

One day, it was that frikking cold June 1991, raining all the time - and me darker than dark. Suddenly went out in that rain, into a book shop, and directly to one book (i had no idea of at all), took it out - paid it - and went home to read it. As if something lead me... unknowingly to me.

It was called "The healthy depression / "Den sunda Depressionen" in Swedish - giving insight about what a depression actually is, and why this psychological function actually is a good thing (when you give it time, in order to heal). Overall it was a fantastic, because for the first time i got some insight into what a depression is, what it does, and what may or may not come out of it. And the differences between forcing and letting things heal from within.

I know, it is easier said and done. But i did understand that when the powers in you force you to withdraw, then you may want to let it happen, while at the same time be curious and observant. That the body has native functions, in which psychological things can be addressed.

Well, this all seem to sound strange, in a time now 2025, when everything is pushed, stressed, no time for anything, and people not even are willing to discover the secrets of their own inner workings.

Back then, it made a lot of sense to me, and helped to to regain strength and insights. As well being able to do my own little experiments. Sure, i also made mistakes and walked one or two steps back (and forth). But overall - it had a profound change in me - making me clearer towards other people. Instead of being more ghostly, neat and diffuse - i became a more defined person. Being able to say "yes" and "no" - grounded on my choices - not because of others wanted me to do or be this or that.

There are always two side to a coin

Albeit, i am sure, it also enlarged my ego, in order to sustain my surroundings and all that comes with it. So, it strengthened my power, being more clear and defined - but i am also sure that it made my ego more pronounced. Which helps as a organizer - but I consider it to be a rather bad guide for wisdom. The ego, when it becomes too dominating, has a corruptive influence.

So, yeah. I got it all henceforth. At least i was able to better stand in this world. Earlier i felt desperately like an isolated island, like a boll bouncing and bobbing around in a vast ocean. Not really sure where to go...

In the mean time during the depression, I did read my X-Men magazines - enabling a sort of inner magic from within. Which came well to pass in my photography later, which too begun to change considerably. Being more playful, experimental and not so strict and void of "soul". To work with my emotions in photography became gradually a bit more common. Not all the time, nor even often.

But in periods of despair and confusion - it did help me a lot.

Light painting experiments during the separation from my husband Daniel in Jan 2014

Phoenix / Dark Phoenix

I am sure i find good use of this character in my light paintings. The Phoenix is semi transparent, which is good, because that means i can illuminate it from behind, giving it a glow. The package comes with two faces for Jean Grey vs Dark Phoenix. And she can be removed from the Phoenix, which too comes in two pieces. So, in all, it seems like it will be interesting to experiment with her together with light painting experiments.

Or so I hope.

Jean Grey as "Phoenix"

Jean Grey as "Dark Phoenix"